Mona's Motivational Messages

How to See Beyond the Mental Fog

2012-01-19T05:59:00.000-06:00

When fog settles in visibility lessens. Ordinary objects become distorted, perception is askew and navigation treacherous. Some souls have been lost at sea or driven over a cliff.

The same is true on the road of life when emotions cloud one’s vision. Annoyance become paramount, perception is out of kilter and course-plotting underhanded. Jobs are lost, relationships are harmed and happiness is illusive.

Where you are on the road is where you are. The meaning you give to where you are is your perception. One’s emotions depend upon the meaning attached to the event. The physical anxiety is the body’s response to the thinking and feeling attached to the event. When one makes a clear distinction between the event and the meaning given to it, one is better prepared to handle the realities of life.

Example: Driving on an unfamiliar road one thinks, “I don’t know where I am.” “I’m lost.” You feel you should have gone another way; that you should have stayed home, that this road is too dangerous. Your body is tense and anxiety sets in.

Reframe: Distinguish between event and the meaning it warrants. “I am unfamiliar with the road and the surroundings. I am a good driver and will navigate cautiously. I will slow down and arrive alive. It is okay to be a little late.” Tension abates.

Example: You are told what to do when you already know what to do! You begin to mind read; “You think I am stupid.” “You think you are so smart.” “Get off my back!” You feel judged and criticized. Your body tenses as anger rises and hard feelings compound.

Reframe: Mom/Dad/mate/boss/co-worker means well. Maybe they know something I have overlooked or have not yet learned. Either way, I will respect their input and treat them with civility. Calm restored. Relationship remains intact.

Example: Botched a performance. Meaning attached, “I am a big goof. I ruined the entire event.” “People are placating me.” Feelings attached are discouragement, despair and failure. Body’s response is tight muscles, headache and depressing.

Reframe: Make a clear distinction between event and the meaning you give it. “Even though I messed up a little I gave some salient points. I am leaning to be a presenter and will do better the next time.” Let yourself off the hook. Be able to receive compliments.

All day, every day four things are happening simultaneously: 1) the event, 2) your thought regarding the event, 3) your emotions associated with what you perceive about the event, and 4) your body responding to how you see, think and feel about the event.

Reframing helps you to see what you were not seeing when clouded by emotions. Reframing takes you to a detached position where you might be able to see what a bystander would see (about the situation as well as about you). Rethink and let the sunshine reflect a better light on success, relationships and happiness.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

What Goals Do For (in) You

2012-01-12T05:55:00.000-06:00

Everyone seeks identity, meaning and significance. These qualities are revealed when thought is given to one’s purpose; life becomes more fulfilling when followed by strategies for accomplishment. The mystery of goals is twofold. They work for you to align focus and strategies; they work in you to produce energy and passion. Goals are great motivators.

The Niagara River flowed over the falls for hundreds of years. It’s beauty and energy provided water and food. But it was not until that force was harnessed that electricity was provided to multitudes of home and businesses. Busy-ness does produce some results. Goals harness your energy and concentration to create phenomenal outcome. They give passion and focus.

Goals are powerful tools in making decisions. Knowing where you are going and why empowers you to say “Yes” to opportunities and “No” to distractions. Goals act as a compass to guide you toward completion. They help you settle conflicts before they arise. Goals help you to recognize opportunities and see possibilities instead of focusing on problems.

Goals free you from the past by empowering you to break from the tyranny of yesterday. Goals create a sense of purpose for your life and draws needed resources to you. Goals empower you to pay the price because you have a purpose greater than yourself.

Elements of a Goal:
Believable - know you are worthy of them
Written - put to paper so the intangible becomes tangible
Measurable - specific, no guessing or illusive thinking
Strategic - must have nuts and bolts plans for accomplishment
Personal - has to resonate with your core being
Challenging - get you out of bed and re-motivates you when HALTed
Transforming - all goals include a personality change
Inclusive - benefits self and community
Exit plan - predetermine when it is time to move on

The reality of life interacting with the human condition lends itself to halting one’s progress. The Twelve Step recovery programs states that one is prone to HALT recovery when Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. You are especially vulnerable when these elements are prevented as a stack attack.

After the “speed bumps” of life, goals get you back on track. You do not have to go back to square one. Goals get you on track, keep you on track and encourage self-motivation

“Decide before you face the conditions that will cause you to stop and drop out. You don’t want to be out there saying, ‘Well, gee, my leg hurts. I’m a little dehydrated. I’m sleepy. I’m tired. It’s cold and windy.’ and talk yourself into quitting. If you are making a decision based on how you feel at that moment, you will probably make the wrong decision.”
Ultra marathoner Dick Collins

Invite Mona to speak to your group. Whether business, organizational, civic or faith-based, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged by her gift of uncommon insights ad motivated by her thought provoking poems. mona@solutionprinciples.com www.monadunkin.com

Goal Setting and Results

2012-01-05T05:53:00.000-06:00

Nothing worthwhile is accomplished without goals and planning. An occasionally wish may comes true and one erroneously think a goal has been set and attained. Here are strategies to move you beyond hoping and wishing to a plan with results.

Be all-inclusive. We are a composite whole and cannot separate ourselves from ourselves. Since one’s core foundation is all encompassing, focus on your whole life rather than a specific area. Include family, career, social, financial, intellectual, spiritual and recreational.

Set goals that are clear and concise. Make them specific rather than general. General “I will set aside some money each payday.” Specific: “I consistently set aside four percent of each pay check.”

State each goal in positive, present tense verbiage. Adding to the above example, “I enjoy consistently setting aside four percent of each pay check.”
Re-read often. Under gird your habit mind. Nurture your ability to dream, explore, reach and grow.

Catch yourself doing right. Pay attention to your behavior that it matches your goals. To reinforce continued success, stop and literally give yourself an “atta boy” or “atta girl”. Bask in your accomplishments. Positive feelings propel forward.
Stay the course. Set benchmarks along the way. There will always be course corrections.

Do not dwell on past successes or failures; both paralyze. Reveling in past success lends to current procrastination. Wallowing in failures lends to paranoia and being your own worst enemy. Today is a new day; make it count. Succeed again and again and again, each time in different and better ways.

Visualize. Practice what great achievers; see and feel yourself accomplishing the putt or closing the sale in your imagination. Productive daydreaming allows you to growing to meet the challenges of the goal. Get excited; words and images create energy.

Continually evaluate. Look at goals set and follow through and honestly ask, “Does my behavior match my goals?” Resolve those things you have put off and get back on track. Relish the journey and the personal growth.

Refuse to plateau by continually setting newer, more far-reaching goals. Moving forward necessitates courage and focus. There will be moments of fear and doubt, but recognize this as a natural process of growth. Hold on to your excitement and determination until the feeling sticks.

Saying “Yes” to one thing sometimes does means saying “No” to another, but that is not an absolute. Sometimes the “Yes” or the “No” advances endless possibilities.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Test Self-Talk for Truth or Error

2011-12-29T05:49:00.001-06:00

Do you talk to yourself? Are you kind or critical? Do you argue with yourself? Do you win? Or do you find yourself exclaiming, “This is driving me crazy!”? Could it be that the thoughts are going over and over in your mind without ever coming to a conclusion?

The science of Epigenetic says that a cell can only be in one of two positions: open for growth or closed for protection. The brain, based upon messages the body sends, gives command to the cells to flow (growth) or to fight-flight (protection).

"Man's greatest instrument is his psyche and is little thought of
and often directly mistrusted and despised." Psychiatrist Carl Jung

The key to “self-talk” is self. Quit beating yourself up; it is counter-productive. Growth comes in a safe, nurturing environment. A state of flow awakens one to the truth of your own nature. Fight assigns consent to stand up for your legitimate needs. Flight grants the freedom to be the best you that you are created to be.

Become your own best friend. Take responsibility for your actions without judgment or blame. Do not use your words against you through guilting and shaming. Do not use your words against others by blaming, criticizing or gossiping. When you have a legitimate issue to confront, address it from a place of victory not from a victim stance.

Overcome the “Yeah, but” syndrome. Self-esteem and self-honesty go hand-in-hand. Instead of being critical, angry or upset, send love to the problem. Practice the command to, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. In the midst of acknowledging your own flaws, send love to you. Armed with a healthy dose of self-love, rather than nurse ugly thoughts of another, send love to the troublemaker.

Mirror images. Negative attitudes play a color-blinding role. It blinds one to powerful self-truths and dismisses positive character traits. One born with the gift of leadership becomes a dictator unless exposed to the eye-opening light of self-reflection. Without self-knowledge a polite response to an offender may be judged as being weak.

Muscles are meant to tense and relax, to close and open, and to hold and release as needed. Unfortunately, many hold residual tension in muscles that hinders relaxation. Tension remains in the body through the failure to release and let it go.

Become aware of the times you hold your breath and allow it to be a springboard to reflection.

Monitor your self-talk for criticism. Rather than beat you up, practice self-compassion and strategize self-improvement steps. Rather than mentally berate another, practice other-compassion and strategize self-improvement steps that will bring personal growth, health and peace.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

The Freedom of Anger Resolution

2011-12-22T05:44:00.000-06:00

Life hurts. A physical wound heals through proper attention of cleansing, ointment and time. So too with an emotional hurt. Only the proper attention is not to nurse, curse and rehearse.

Thought is reflected in the body as emotion. Thoughts may not be conscious, but emotions are. As the negative thought is replayed, one stays emotionally overwrought (raw). Lack of perspective unconsciously causes one to identify with his emotions and that emotion becomes “you”.

Emotion is the body’s reaction to thought. Hostile thoughts build up energy in the body that is experienced as anger. The more one identifies with his thoughts (likes, dislikes, judgments and interpretations) the stronger the emotional energy charge.
An important function of the mind is to remove emotional pain, thus the confused flurry of mental activity and the need to deny reality. Some things are so painful the only way to handle it is through denial.

Emotional pain is lessened through reflection that brings resolve. Resolution involves opening the mind to consider all sides of an issue; to be willing to see the pros and cons of all parties involved. Resolution brings things to an end. Problem solved. Resolution declares the conflict is over.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: It takes one to resolve, two or more to reconcile.
The resolution within yourself frees you in several ways.

1) It frees you to be civil toward the offender.

2) It frees you to be open to your part in the conflict.

3) As your attitude sets a gracious atmosphere, it frees the offended/offending party to be receptive to your insights.

4) It paves the way for reconciliation.

5) It strengthens you to live peacefully with unresolved issues.

6) It promotes overall spiritual and physical health.

7) It gives you courage to set boundaries and/or to respect boundaries.

8) It builds tenacity within to embrace a spirit of forgiveness to self and others.

When we cease to draw identification from the pain, we are freed to be free. We are freed to find resolve whether through action or inaction. We are freed to experience love, joy and peace. Love, joy and peace transcend emotions all the way to the state of being.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.
　

Acceptance vs. Approval

2011-12-15T05:41:00.000-06:00

“You may love in all infirmities and even in spite of,
but love does not cease to will their removal.” C. S. Lewis

We as human beings are prone to attempt to control our environment, thus finding it difficult, if not impossible, to accept things as they are. The inability to accept self, others or circumstances is rooted in fear. Fear rejects. Allow these thoughts to give you the strength give a positive response to what life hands you.

Acceptance is not approval. Sometimes to understand what something is, it is necessary to start with what it is not. One does not have to approve of personal flaws in order to recognize another’s good qualities. In fact, acceptance of self – flaws and all - gives freedom to honestly evaluate positives to enhance and negatives to work on. Accepting one’s self gives liberty to receive others.

Acceptance is not complacency. To agree does not mean to put up with as though nothing can be done. It is to look at the locus of control. Whatever is within your sphere of control – i.e. self – then you have something to work on. Whatever is not within your realm of control – i.e. other people, time, the weather, world events, your team’s score – is not within your direct control.

Acceptance has its roots in faith and trust. Faith looks forward to the fulfillment of that which has not happened yet – as in a positive change in the individual. Trust rests in the end results. Trust is being true to your part of the bargain while allowing the outcome to just be, whether according to your dictates or not. To allow is to resist control.

Self-evaluation helps. The human condition tends to be judgmental over anything we are ignorant of, arrogant over, or non-compassionate for. Asking and answering difficult questions is a shortcut to self. Conquer your veto by honestly answering the questions, “Why do I not trust the outcome of this situation?” “By failing to accept, what are you trying to hide?” “Is it panic over losing control?” “Is it trepidation that s/he will become more difficult?” “Could it be lack of self-trust?” “Is it the fear of giving another permission to be himself?” “Is it because I see her actions reflecting badly on me?”

An inflated ego comes from a fragile place. Disapproval puts us in protective mode rather than openness to learn and grow. Your goal may be to get the individual to see another way of doing something. But the receiver perceives it much differently. Criticism is seen as a threat and threats must be countered. At a cellular level, he goes into protection mode. The individual may give in to your demands, but has learned nothing, as the mind is not in a frame of learning, growing and changing.

Choose to embrace the individual in spite of the disparity of beliefs. It is through acceptance of his humanity that opens doors to communication. God does not force the Ten Commands; he allows truth or consequences.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

The Turtle's Edge

2011-12-08T05:37:00.000-06:00

You remember the story, the turtle and the hare, and how slow consistency won over spurts of speed. Although I love those inspirational moments of quantum leap productivity, I am finding that persistent intermittent activity proves to be more sustaining of long-term success. Does persistent intermittence sound contradictory? Let me explain.

Decision vs. Circumstances: Words carry weight. To a hare, commitment is heavy, demanding onerous; with little or no fun. A decision is simply changing one’s mind from doing this to doing that. A decision is lighter, easier to handle, even energizing. The benefits of following your decision are such a blessing that one unconsciously slides into being committed to the goal.

Stretch/Grow/Stretch: The human body is equipped to meet challenges. Adrenaline may be released to power-up for a Herculean feat, or the parasympathetic system may be activated to power-down to preserve life (trauma in a fall, fatigue from overwork).

Small Steps: Ironically, speed walking is not in the length of the gait but in short steps. A health article predicted an individual’s longevity based on the time in which he completed a mile. The suggestion to increase speed was to take smaller steps. I tried it. It works. I am now applying this strategy to projects and receiving quicker results. As the task is broken down into small steps for quicker completion, energy is increased to keep on going.

Six-a-Day/Three-a-Day: The story goes that Ivy Lee proposed to Charles Schwab, president of Bethlehem Steel, a strategy to increase his company’s efficiency. Each executive was asked to take a few minutes at the end of each day to make a list of the six most important things to be done the next day; then number the tasks in order of importance. Early the next morning, they were to tackle number one and continue down the list until closing time. Whatever was left over would move to the top of tomorrow’s list. It worked.

This plan still works today. Pre-determine where your energy will go and start at the top. Feel good about marking off an accomplished task and proceed to the next. In my turtle’s edge frame, I go for three-a-day and anything else is a bonus.

Four/Seven: Release the popular 24/7/365 self-defeating attitude for performance. Decide to devote a minimum of four days out of seven to the newly formulated goal. I think back to a goal on my to-do-list that kept being moved to tomorrow until it became a drudgery to even think about doing it. So I marked it off. There. Forget about it. Go on to other things. Only subconsciously that goal was too important to mark off. Once I took it out of my have-to sphere of to-do, I found myself excitedly making plans and looking forward to doing them.

Just as the rising tide elevates all boats in the harbor, so, too, improvement in one area positively influences all. That is the power of decision; it creates a domino effect in the composite whole of your life.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Becoming Whole

2011-12-01T05:29:00.000-06:00

Everyone searches for identity, purpose, satisfaction and significance. We long for love, self-worth, meaning, fulfillment and happiness. We often come up short.

Life must be lived to be realized. Wholeness does not take place in a vacuum. Inner wholeness is expressed through relationships, work ethics, love and commitment. By God’s design, we were placed in community to rid us of the illusion that we are self-sufficient.

Only separate beings can engage in healthy relationships with family, friends, career, community responsibilities and civic duties. Whole individuals interact without becoming enmeshed. Without individuation, true relationship does not happen.

Take yourself out of the middle. Someone cannot put you in the middle of a situation without your consent. And no one can keep you from taking yourself out of the middle. Unless you are a trained negotiator that can analyze sides with impartial unemotional perspective, remove yourself from this middle position immediately. Minimizing your role in the drama.

Realize that you are neither the rescuer nor the protector. Yes feelings may be hurt. Yes blame may be placed on you. Interfere (i.e. justification and rationalization) keeps negative energy going and delays rational thinking that can resolve misunderstandings. A recovering client remarked: “Who knew that I needed to learn to say ‘NO’?”

Scarred yet whole. On a nature walk I found a pretty white rock. It looked as though a mower thrashed it, knocking out pieces. Even though it was scarred, it was pretty. The broken places showed its inner beauty and solid structure. I made the parallel to life issues. Although scarred, the individual has inner beauty; brokenness reveals inner substance and character.

Substance not stuff. When you do not need “stuff” or externals to prove your value, you shift to “I am enough.” This insight gives way to being thoughtful of self and others. As you respect yourself, you generate respect for you in others.

Emotions denied. Emotions can be so strong the only way to handle them is through denial. Denial is refusing to acknowledge facts. Think back on a hurtful situation and observe it from a place of detachment. See the offense from a place of disengagement. Truth hurts only when it is supposed to. Observe and let go. When we come to terms with truth – the good, the bad and the ugly – we are well on the way to wholeness.

Give serious thought to ways in which you may be your own worst enemy. Are your actions bringing relationships closer and more meaningful? Examine your attitude see if is the path of happiness and success or unhappiness and failure. Practice these suggestions first with those you are not so emotionally attached. As you become comfortable with your newfound behavior and attitude, begin dealing with family members in your new assertiveness

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her mona@monadunkin.com

Tools to Hasten Accomplishment

2011-11-24T05:26:00.000-06:00

As any craftsman knows, the quality of the job is largely dependent upon one’s tools. Will power of itself will not bring success. Ever had a mental argument with you? Part of you is pro and part of you is con? Innately you know you can while timidly being afraid you cannot?

The effective use of self-talk is vital. The strength of any relationship is based on the strength of the will. Compliant or defiant, the relationship you have with you - as well as the relationship you have with everyone else – comes from a place of love. Use “even though” mantras to accept what is and to bring resolve rather than rebellion. “Even though I am unsure of this new venture, I boldly step up to the challenge.” “Even though I have failed in the past, I eagerly press toward to success.”

When you see it you believe it. Victory is achieved by putting new pictures into your “quality world” that develops and replaces present limitations, beliefs or values. Create an image board using magazine clippings, snapshots of your dream home, blueprints, sketched diagrams, dummied-up diploma, listing of sought for character qualities, etc. Put you in the picture to make your goals real and attainable.

Write your own life script. Compose a business plan that details who, what, when and how. Write in first person, present tense as though it is a reality rather than a proposal. Build emotional expectancy by stating events in the affirmative. Read your “blueprint” aloud several times a day. Hear your own voice speak the dream into existence – yea, shout it into being.

Validate the power of relationship. Step out in faith and share your goals with another. Allow others to encourage you; receive and do not discount. Embrace positive prophecies spoken into your life. Read success stories. Get input from those who have been there.

Employ the power of imagination. Everything mankind has brought into existence was first a thought. Just as there is more than enough air for you to breath, so too there are unlimited resources. Just as you have a plethora of thoughts daily, so too do you have abounding creativity and ingenious ideas. Just as there are billions of people on planet earth, so too is there an astounding number of individuals willing to cooperate with your endeavor. Set your mind’s eye free to dream and to envision limitless possibilities.

Speed up the process through meditation. Meditation awakens the reality that you are more than your physical body. You are more than your job, your possessions, your associations, your education, your abilities, etc. You are a creative part of a loving God. You are gifted with talents to bless yourself and the world. You are lovely and loveable. Through meditation you transcend time, access the origin of love, and connect with your place in the scheme of the universe.

Studies have proven that a mere thirty minutes a day of calm reflection of these suggestions for a produces amazing results mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and relationally. These tools are not magic; employment will prove to be a mystery. Begin today and reap the success benefits.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

Holidays and Hurry Sickness

2011-11-17T05:23:00.000-06:00

What do the holidays mean to you? Cleaning? Cooking? Entertaining? Shopping? Decorating? Wrapping? Visiting? Does the rush, rush of our society that you have adopted dull your appreciation of the season? Stressors are inevitable but they do not have to be debilitating.

Applause is not necessary. Get in touch with who are, or who you want to become, and allow everything you do to come from that place of purpose. That includes participating as well as not participating. Life does not have to be tit-for-tat. Because another’s decorations light the city skies does not mean yours are not elegant. Give up the competition and be true to self.

“Hurry but don’t rush,” Coach John Wooden.

One might think that to stop rushing would mean to become a slowpoke. Not true. You can still hurry, just take care not to cross the line into a stressing rush. Rushing is energy draining and makes one more error prone. Hurrying is energy producing while allowing focused attention.

Do not expect easy. Everything has a learning curve. Some things have longer skill proficiency than others. To tackle a job expecting everything to flow seamlessly may be a contributor to the stress. Give yourself time to gain knowledge or to be trained. Factor in delays such as another’s lack of cooperation, materials shipment detained, inability to located needed resources or personal fatigue. Give time to patiently teach, as to inexperienced grandchildren making cookies. Spilled flour happens. Clean it up together and enjoy the adventure as well as the rewards.

Become rigidly flexible. I love goals and I find target deadlines invigorating. There was a time that I also found interruptions irritating; they got me off schedule. Then I adopted my oxymoron philosophy of being rigidly-flexible. I plan and prepare and stay focused to the degree that outside factors are within my reasonable control. But, when situations arise - a family emergency, a coworker needing help, a grandchild wanting a story read – no sweat, I’m flexible. Jesus could always be bothered.

Sometimes delays are blessings in disguise. Perhaps the interruption was needed for additional insight; or as a forced reprieve to catch your breath. Do not lie to yourself by thinking you cannot die until everything on your list is accomplished. Consider that maybe the packed schedule will hasten that event. Slow down and live. Slow down and enjoy. Slow down and love.

Include personal reflection. Rethink everything. Ponder deeply the meaning of life, celebrations, family, crises, relationships, God, work, play… What is life saying to you that you have been too harried to hear?

Activity does not mean accomplishment. Do not allow the demands of the season to propel you into over-spending, over-doing, over-committing, thus becoming over-bearing. Rest more and flurry less. Slow down and adopt simplicity.

The holidays come once a year. Embrace the true meaning. Enjoy family and friends. Be blessed by all your choices.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

An Uncertain Future

2011-11-10T05:20:00.000-06:00

We are living in perilous times. The news is filled with tornadoes, tsunamis, rampant fires and earthquakes, not to mention homeland violence and worldwide wars. Truth is, all of us are facing an uncertain future. With coverage of disasters we now know that we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Good fear, bad fear. Sometimes fear is a good place to start. Healthy fear causes one to think about what to do next; to plan ahead. It also forces us to let go of false securities and come to terms with what really matters in life.

What you cannot control. The list of things one cannot control is long and includes: the weather, another person, the past, time, the economy and how my favored team plays. What things might you have tried to control that have proven futile?

What you can control. The only thing within your control is you and your response to things/people that you cannot control. Things over which you have control includes your words, your attitudes, your facial expressions, your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your dress, your esteem, your feelings, your schedule, what you spend, where you go and with whom you associate.

Did I say you could control your feelings? Yes, you can control your feelings, but it starts with controlling your thoughts and actions. It is easier to think and act yourself into feeling differently than it is to feel yourself into thinking and acting differently.

Go with gratitude. You also control your perception of life and situations. You will never forget what you have lost; be thankful for what you have left. Even if the remains of a tragedy are slim, you have your life. You have blessed memories of those lost. You have a change to start over anew and afresh. You have talents and abilities to employ. You have love to share and experience to give.

Have compassion for you and for others. George Washington Carver shared how to develop empathy: “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons. Have faith in God and trust things to work out. Faith and trust go hand in hand. Faith strives to bring to pass what has not happened yet. Trust rests in the end results. Have faith in yourself, but not too much as to cause it to be a liability.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Ongoing Secrets of Success

2011-11-03T05:16:00.001-05:00

No matter how great yesterday’s success was, today is another day and there are more mountains to climb. Here is a look at strategies for continued flight.

Receive the gift of your changing self. Life is not a constant and neither are we. To resist change makes growth difficult if not impossible. Age seems to be a major obstacle for the young as well as the more mature. I love Tom Petty’s and Mark Cuban’s take on aging:

“If you are not getting older, you’re dead.” Tom Petty to Anthony Mason

“You are the youngest you will ever be, act like it.” Mark Cuban

Refuse to plateau – continually set new goals. Moving forward necessitates courage and focus. There will be moments of fear and doubt, but recognize this as a natural process of growth. Hold on to your excitement and determination until the feeling sticks. Do not dwell on past successes or failures. Saying “Yes” to one thing sometimes means saying “No” to another, but that is not an absolute. Sometimes the “Yes” or the “No” advances endless possibilities.

Be a receiver. Give yourself credit when credit is due. Confidently tackle new challenges. Notice and accept changes in yourself as they occur? Graciously accept criticism and honestly evaluate it for truth or error. Here is a test of receivership: How do you respond to a compliment? Politely receive the kind words whether you agree or not.

Competition is good; it shows what you can become. What will set you apart is the way you love your job (joy). Learn to love what you once disliked or dreaded. How? Determine what you lose yourself in then project that stage of well-being onto the unpopular task. Find your passion and transfer it to growth areas.

Understand what your job is and what it is not. Example: My job is to make the presentation; to show the benefits of the service or product; to be friendly, not pushy; to get out the door or pick up the phone; to network, to continually be educated. My job is not to force or coerce; to manage fellow co-workers, to set someone else’s schedule; to judge intentions. It’s your turn: “My job is…” and “My job is not…”

Own your feelings. When you have a negative feeling, do not resist it. Do not nurse it, curse it and rehearse it either. You are having a bad day; it may be legitimate; receive it, feel it and move past. Own it so you can discard it. Or savor it. Or store it as a learning experience. Or use it to motivate others. Resistance is tied to habits. To feel and release is the way to prevent the “moods” from becoming habit forming.

Look at the building blocks that have brought you success thus far and build on those. Evaluate what needs to be modified, added to or discarded.

What is your strategy for ongoing success. Let us hear from you.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. Whether business, organizational, civic or faith-based, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged by her gift of uncommon insights ad motivated by her thought provoking poems.

Overcoming a Bad Mood

2011-10-27T05:13:00.000-05:00

I am rarely in a bad mood. Unfortunately, I went there this past week. In reflection I see that things went downhill based on my mood. Small irritants normally overlooked became fuel for complaints. Instead of whispering a prayer for compassion, I leaned toward condemnation. Here is my thought process for reframing the situation.

I cannot read another person’s mind. No matter how much I may think I know where someone is coming from, or where she is going, the only thing I have to go on is the information given. I do not know his intentions nor do I know the hopeful outcome. Assumptions divide; it turns the issues into you against me (ass/u/me). And like the proverbial donkey, assuming makes one stubborn.

Choose to not take it personally. How we interpret an event is always within our control. Seeing the disagreement as a personal attack makes one defensive. As in football, to defend one’s position takes the form of offensive. In relationships, it is a mark of maturity to allow a point through to its intended goal.

Determine locus of control. The key is to work on what you can control. It is difficult if not impossible to respond civilly if you are mentally or verbally calling him a jerk. Choose to see the value in the offender. Choose to address the issue not attack her rotten personality.

Become emotionally honest. Do not use a negative situation as a means to deny reality. Get candid with you if you were passive rather than complain about the aggressive of another. Get impatient with you for trying to push your truth on a non-taker rather than degrading him. It takes stamina to deal with hurtles and to develop character through them.

Truth is, everything has a pro and a con. It is easy to become negative. It is unproblematic to see the worst in the situation, self and others. This sets one up as an unwitting victim rather than a victor. It takes courage to sort through the bad and find good. It takes honesty to face the difficult and overcome.

Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Have faith and trust God, you and others. Self pity is incapable of being comforted because it is its own satisfaction. Change comes through genuine sorrow over wrongs done, including the display of a judgmental attitude.

Let us hear from you. Please post comments or questions.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

How To's of Meditation

2011-10-20T05:11:00.000-05:00

Meditation is not another thing to do. It is an invitation to stop doing. It is an invitation to be true to you. Unfamiliar things seem strange, new things seems awkward and anything untried remains foreign. Here are suggestions for the practice of meditation.

Find a focal point. Concentrate on something constant and easily accessible - like your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, taking the air all the way down into your diaphragm. Hold the breath for 2-3 seconds then exhale through pursed lips. This simple act promotes mindfulness of the moment. It releases the trauma of yesterday without rehearsing the tension of tomorrow. It also changes the chemical compounds in your body.

Picture it. We breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. Imagine the fresh oxygen circulating through every cell in your body picking up toxins and being released with an exhale. Put color into it. Breathe in relaxing blue and breathe out grey stress. Breathe in sunshine yellow and breathe out blackened depression. Direct the breath to an area of tension and – like WD40 – imaging it releasing the hold and setting free.

Find the secret place. The human condition regrets yesterday and worries about tomorrow, thus failing to live in the present. For a few minutes deliberately set aside the noise around you – people talking, the buzz of traffic, a ringing phone. For a few minutes deliberately set aside the noise inside you – the to-do list, the looming deadline, the guilt. Go inside yourself; to your interior. Go to the God-spot within you, the one placed there at the moment of your conception.

Melt tension. Meditation has been clinically proven to reduce levels of cortisol in the body. Cortisol is the culprit that holds negative stress in the body. It is the “fight-flight” chemical that keeps one revved up, unable to flow. Cortisol is also the hormone attributed to “cravings” as well as the storage of food into belly fat.

Discover serenity. Meditation has been shown in studies to decrease stress and increase production of endorphins, the brain’s “happy drug”. When endorphins are activated through quiet reflection a spirit of thankfulness overtakes stress; an over-all-good feeling settles in.

Become wholly integrated. We are a composite whole and cannot divide ourselves from ourselves. Through consistence practice of meditation the mind’s irrational rationalizations and judgmental justifications begin to slip away and truth becomes real. You made an unwise decision, you are not stupid. It is a difficult situation, it is not horrible. He made a bad choice, he is not the devil personified. She was harsh, she is not evil incarnate. With frequent times of quiet reflection, the mind chatter is calmed. You learn to just be, and that is enough. You learn to let frustrations float away.

As with exercise and healthy eating, meditation results are not as immediate as one might wish but they do work. And it is well worth the effort; paying off like compound interest.

Invite Mona to speak to your group. Whether business, organizational, civic or faith-based, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged by her gift of uncommon insights ad motivated by her thought provoking poems. mona@solutionprinciples.com

Creating Energy

2011-10-13T17:07:00.000-05:00

Do you remember the first two laws of thermodynamics? One, an object in motion tends to remain in motion; and, two, an object at rest tends to remain at rest. Energy is not created but redirected. Therefore, we have a lot of control over the amount of energy emanating from our own bodies; and whether or not it is positive or negative energy.

Emotions are energy in motion. The law of thermodynamics suggests that energy is always being exchanged from one physical system to another. So to increase your energy level, notice your resistance to life and shift it. Here’s how.

Write it out. Journaling is an excellent way to evaluate your emotions. Put pen to paper and record the good the bad and the ugly. Boldly underline. Use exclamation marks with flourish. Get it all out without reservations. Notate frustrations, hurts, dreams, misunderstandings, ideas, broken promises, fulfillments, disappointments, goals, intentions – be open and honest with yourself in all areas.

Give pause. Wait a few days go back and reread your journal. Once the emotion has subsided you will be able to assess with calm eyes. Look with objectivity at truth or error. Sanity prevails.

Speak into a tape recorder. Hearing your own voice express your dreams, goals and ideas generates the energy to follow through. Speak your anger and be empowered to control it.

Create or add to your “Thankful List”. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. As you reflect on the things for which you are thankful, your spirits are raised and creativity flows. Emotions are positively energized.

Remember your “Favorite Things”. Follow the Sound of Music advice and become aware of the bounty of life. “When I remember my favorite things, then I don’t feel so bad.” The dread and dole-drums will be broken and a lilt comes into your spirit.

Act as if. When Anna, in the King and I, was surrounded by threats and fears, she acted in spite of. She started to whistle as she casually began her chores. Her conclusions: “The result of this deception is very strange to tell. For when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well.”

Set a deadline. Get rid of the energy stopping excuse of “someday I’ll.” Decide it, set a deadline and do it. If the decision is a “No go” after all, then allow yourself to receive that into your emotions (and calendar). Move on with renewed energy.

When you are in control of your movements (body in motions) and your downtimes (body at rest), you do not need to control others. And we need both in good proportions.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Being Objective

2011-10-06T17:03:00.001-05:00

Objective is a valuable tool. It can open doors as well as minds. To be objective is to be impartial. And this is where the rub comes in. We are so close to who we are and how we see things and how we feel about them that is can be difficult to be objective.

Listen to the dissenter. Be willing to hear what your opposition has to say. An affront may be a distortion of truth but it also may contain an element of reality. Without countering, consider his position. Allow her to express her opinion.

Sift and sort. Denial and rationalization impede objectivity. As much as you may want to reject the input, recognize when you have been called by your true name. Do you have an edge to your voice when giving instructions? Are you late more often than you want to acknowledge? Do you spend money unwisely? Could you rearrange your schedule for more family time? Question your own reasoning.

Choose to be impartial. Take a balcony view. Step back from your emotions and observe your behavior as well as how others react to you. See yourself outside of yourself.

Be specific rather than general. It is unreasonable to pronounce “always” or “never” even if the infraction is repetitive. Instead of “You never get back with me”, make it, “I have not yet gotten your report; when can I expect it?” Rather than “You can change if you want to?” ask, “Do you think there is something you could do to improve the situation?”

Challenge your beliefs. Take a serious look at your hand-me-down views. Are all politicians corrupt? Are all rich people dishonest or all poor people lazy? Are all purple-people bad? Is your belief system the only valid one? Be careful to not lump all people into the same cesspool.

Becoming objective in receiving information as well as in giving it requires a commitment to improved relationships. Willingness to accept one’s biases – your own as well as theirs – is a good place to start.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Control: Compete or Compliment

2011-09-29T08:00:00.001-05:00

Mankind has been given a wonderful, albeit dangerous, gift called free-will. With this free-will we make choices that self-determines outcome. To use personal control is within one's scope to compete (disconnect) or to compliment (connect) with others.

You cannot control another person’s actions. Not only can you not control another's actions, you cannot control how s/he thinks or feels. To project your thoughts and feelings onto another is to magnify your own frustration.

For every leader who steps forth and takes charge, there’s a behind-the-scenes person who needs to be shown what to do. To denigrate either is failure to appreciate their unique place in this universe. The follower is no less valuable than the leader; s/he just likes the shadows better.

The same is true with those who openly show emotions and those who are hesitant to connect. It does not mean their love is any less deep; it means their way of expression is more subdued.

Everyone is such a wonderful mix of personality traits, chemical make-up and genes combined with life experiences, education, age differences, skills, talents and opinions that it is a wonder any of us get along. Our interaction with others is hard-wiring as well as conscious choices. The personality who races through life like the hare can be an irritant to the individual who prods along like the turtle. And vice-versa. Yet both cross the finish line. Each gets the job done.

A line in the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi is, “Lord, may I seek to understand more than to be understood.” As we choose to honor another’s humanity, his differences become less stark. As we choose to appreciate another’s creativity, her disparity becomes less important.

The opposite is also true. As we choose to honor our unique gifting without one-upmanship or one-downmanship, we find our place in the universe. As we appreciate our quirky personality without sanction or denial, we understand how others relate to us. As we develop our own shadow side, we increase our tolerance. As we balance give and take, we grow in compassion.

To accept what is, is to live in the moment. To accept what is, is to be a problem solver rather than a complainer. To accept what is, is to give yourself choices in your response. You can keep the pressure on and destroy relationship. You can detach completely and dissolve the relationship. You can work with what is and modify your involvement. The less energy you spend on fixing another, the more you have for self-improvement.

Acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance means the only person’s actions, thoughts or emotions you can control are your own.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Speak Up

2011-09-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

It happens almost unnoticed. You overlook a discrepancy in an attempt to be nice. But it keeps happening. Rather than speak up about the real issue, you make cutting remarks or unpleasant facial expressions. You begin to “mind-read” about his/her meaning or intentions. The relationship becomes strained.

You do not effect change by remaining passive. Making a decision and speaking up does. Prioritizing your life and sticking with it does. Stepping out of your comfort (discomfort) zone does. Taking a risk to ruffle feathers does. Look at the larger picture and pick two or three things you want to be different. Concentrate on those and add to as you gain strength to be your own person.

You cannot control another person but you can take back control of your life. This upsets the “business as usual” routine and, by default, the other person does change; either for the better, for the worse, or a casual no big deal.

Think through your position by giving careful consideration to both sides. What the deal-breaker is and how you may have unwittingly allowed it to progress. Even so, carefully worded phrases may be misunderstood. No matter your clarity in expressing your desires, you cannot control how the other party will receive it. Or what will be said in return.

Remaining passive is not peacemaking. Sometimes making peace requires roiling the waters for scum to come to the top to be skimmed off. At times, things need to be disturbed so they can be settled. There may be accusations of your inconsistency. Be willing to listen and consider without automatically defending self.

Addressing the issue shows you will not remain silent and just take it. It helps to set needed boundaries. It shows you have guts and will not allow the disregard to continue. It demonstrates you are reasonable and willing to solve issues. It expresses your value in the relationship.

Please share your comments or experiences.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Criticism

2011-09-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Nobody likes to be criticized, yet there are times when critical input is, well, critical. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? While it is still ashore? Or when it is in the middle of the ocean?

Even though the critique may be hurtful, one can respond in a manner that fosters relationship as well as self-improvement. When we graciously handle the initial sting, rational thinking returns.

Disconnect to reconnect. When you feel you are attacked, give pause. Take a deep breath to expel pent up emotions and reconnect with unbiased thinking. Reply with civility and tempered emotional detachment.

Help the critic to rethink his position with a suggestion such as, “Should we scrap the project completely or are there parts that are salvageable?”

Respond rather than react. Reacting is like pushing the “send” button too quickly. It is gone and you can’t take it back. Responding is giving rational thought before defending or denying. Responding is the willingness to be open and vulnerable.

Reframe the situation. In old black and white negatives, black is shown as white and white is shown as black. Rather than automatically dismissing a critique, give it the benefit of the doubt.

Be objective by asking yourself evaluating questions such as:

“What may I have overlooked?”

“What is coloring my view-point?”

“What additional information could be needed?”

Choose to value the person. In any exchange, all we can give is information. His/her information may or may not be valid; his/her personhood always is. We get comfortable with our ideas and mode of expression. “If the shoe fits…” wearing it may be more palpable with a cushion. The decision to make relationship more important than being right can wonderfully lead to both.

Overcoming criticism is a two-sided coin: how to receive the information and how to respond to the informer. Through thought and practice both can be mastered in a win-win approach.

Please let me hear from you. Thank you for your friendship, your business and your continued support. Let’s reach our goals together.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Leave 'Em Wanting More

2011-09-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Google gives several speculations as to who coined the phrase “leave ‘em wanting more”. Some say it started with show business. If your audience wants more, they will be repeat customers. Regardless, the underlying message suggests stopping while you are ahead. Or stop in order to get ahead.

To give too much renders one under-appreciated.

TMJ (too much information). To unleash excess information on another may be put you in a bad light. Too much complaining, even if valid, makes you appear petty. Too many details, even if your passion, become boring to those with a cursory interest. Too much self-depreciation makes others uncomfortable. Too much self-aggrandizement spurs companions to the exit door.

TMT (too much time). Time is a valuable gift life has given to each of us. How we use it is our gift to others. Giving too much time to a project can produce undue stress. Giving too much time to an individual can breed discontentment. Taking too much time to make a decision can leave one either behind or stuck.

TMS (too much stuff). Giving can be a touchy subject. When gifts are forced, the giver is often resented. How many toys do the grandkids need? Or even want? When gifts are thoughtless they are often under-appreciated. Is your giving in keeping with what you want to give (i.e. want them to have) rather that what the recipient wants to be given. Are you willing to give what the recipient prefers even if not to your liking? Or does it become something to be hidden and displayed only to appease guilt?

TMH (too much help). Reaching out is a noble attribute and can be an excellent way to show that you care. From the giver’s standpoint, the help may be minimal, but from the receiver’s view, it may be a boundary breaker. Harmony in knowledge and skill sets renders a pleasant exchange. Ask politely before jumping in and doing. If part-way through tension suggests too much, graciously stop without offense.

Psychiatrists Carl Jung said that others are mirrors reflecting us back to us. When you sense tension from another, allow that to mirror a need to self-evaluate one’s own approach.

In what ways might you on the verge of “too much”? Project a little mystery. Not to be difficult, just to be less predictable. It’s to “leave ‘em wanting more.”

I'd love to hear from you. Please comment.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

A Case Against Perfection

2011-09-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

Perhaps Ray Crock, the founder of McDonalds, said it best: “It is better to be green and growing than to be ripe and rotting.” Thus is the basis of my case again perfectionism.

Picture it. In your mind see an apple at the pinnacle of perfection. The color is vibrant, the juices are succulent, the aroma is sweet and your senses are heightened. Yet, a mere twenty-four hours later, the fruit is beginning to wilt. To lose flavor. To rot. To be nothing but a past memory.

Relieve the stress. Stress is a natural part of life - a good part - and becomes destructive only when we do not allow recovery time. Nothing and no one can operate at 100% energy and 100% efficiency 100% of the time. Down time is not a waste of energy; it is a regenerator. And recovery time increases creativity to boot.

Good is good. Look at what you have done and see what is good about it. Also look at the areas for improvement. Rather than scraping the whole project, tweak the defects and continue.

Stop beating yourself up; it serves no productive purpose. Self-evaluate? “Yes”. Self-condemnation? “No. Absolutely not!” C’s are passing grades. To celebrate a C motivates to achieve B’s and A’s. To condemn C or B work, disheartens. It places nervous tension on creativity.

Go for excellence. You may question the difference in perfection and excellence as mere semantics. Maybe it is more the attitude in which a job is performed rather than the flawless finished product.

Excellence is doing quality work. Excellence is doing the best you can in an environment of learning so you can do better the next time. To be perfect smacks of getting everything just right or suffering the consequences of failing to measure up.

Excellence releases creativity to try, fail and try again. Excellence releases energy; perfection saps energy.

Enjoy the fruit of your labor. C’s are passing grades, so celebrate. You do not really enjoy anything until you share it. Good enough is good enough. Receive it – in yourself and in others.

It is difficult to get to where you want to go without acknowledging where you are now. Accepting what is mysteriously frees you to inspired action and a positive focus on success. And you begin to see that you are getting better and better.

Now, what do you think? Let me hear from you.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Fun-Filled School Days

2011-08-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dr. William Glasser, founder of The Quality School, believes that nature gave us a gene that craves fun, and that this fun-need is satisfied through learning.

Think about it. Children are born explorers, wanting to know what is out there and testing everything to see what it looks like, tastes like, feels like, sounds like or smells like. The reward for this fun is knowledge.

The philosopher Socrates saw education as a spontaneous process. Although school definitely has its place, learning has more to do with living and experiences than with books and classrooms.

Teachers are planters of ideas and cultivators of your own imagination. All a teacher can do is give information and explain its application. What you do with that information is up to you, so embrace it rather than reject.

Attitude is a major player in successful learning. Education prepares you for an unknown future so develop a taste for learning, and encourage your children to love learning. Our technological progress has grown exponentially because we, as a nation, refuse to settle for the status quo.

There is a direct correlation between a poor attitude and low achievement. A negative attitude breeds frustration and produces stress. See learning as a challenge to be met and overcome. Watch your self-talk; purposely think things like: “I enjoy learning. I will understand this. I feel good about increasing my knowledge. Math is fun.”

Learning is not only obtaining knowledge but also knowing how to use that knowledge and how retrieve it at a later date. A disinterested student might question, “Why do I have to know this anyway?” Knowledge will make you a more interesting person and the world a more interesting place. The beautiful thing is, once you learn it, it is yours to keep and to use.

Learning is fun. Reflect on your most fun filled days. It is probably because you were learning something. Perhaps you were improving a skill, enjoying nature or improving an interpersonal relationship. Bottom line, you were learning. And enjoying.

The more healthy your self-esteem, the more easily you learn. A primary cause of poor learning is having a poor self-image, not a lack of ability. A person is controlled by his self-image; the way you see yourself determines the way you behave. It does not matter what others believe about you, it only matters what you believe about yourself.

Cooperation is important. Each person is wonderful, special, unique and important. The trouble comes when we expect others to treat us like we are wonderful, special, unique and important. The more you see your good qualities and the more you see what is good about others, the more you will perform accordingly. And life will reward you accordingly.

Make your school days quality by wanting to learn and by always doing your best. Get a good night’s sleep so you will be refreshed and ready for fun. When needed, be sure to ask your teacher for help. She is your friend and co-partner.

I'd love to hear your insights. Please comment.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Choices and Attitudes

2011-08-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

Who has not had an experience when your back was against the wall? What to do? As with most things in life, the array of choices and attitudes are vast. In a rush-rush, worry-worry world one may become blind to options.

There is always a choice. Even in extreme limits, one always has a choice and can make things better or can make things worse. I find this insight effective in dealing with the residents at the sanction center.

When they rebel against limits, I ask “Is there anything you can do to make the situation worse?”

Although coming from a negative perspective it seems to empower them to realize they are “in control.”

I continue, “Conversely, is there anything you can do to make the situation better.”

Reluctantly most agree that when their back is against the way they still have the power to make things better or worse.

Attitude is the deal-breaker. So what could possibly make an impossible situation a little bit better? The key is attitude.

Attitude comprises words used, tone of voice, sounds made, facial expressions and body language. Without a word being spoken, a simple shift from rebellion to resistance is noticeable. And in most cases that shift is visible enough to effect a lowering of defenses so communication/negotiation can be re-established.

Privileges are subject to change depending on one’s attitude.

Choices are empowering. When keys are misplaced, an initial response is “No!” That is denial. In a state of denial vision is narrowed, thinking is decreased and stress rises. A seemingly illogical decision to choose to accept the lost keys! Yet that frees the mind to remember where they might be. It activates the eyes to see rather than overlook. It also releases creativity to solve the problem.

The choice of keeping a good attitude in the midst of an inconvenience frees you to have a good day regardless.

Choices can be crippling. Too many choices can have a negative impact. In a study of consumer purchases, a vendor offering six flavors of jam sold to 30% of those who visited his display, whereas the vendor with 24 flavors had only a 3% buy-rate. Too many choices lead to a stalemate.

Make your attitude your ally. This is done through the power of choice; if not of the circumstance, then definitely of your response to the circumstance. In those no-choice-back-to-the-wall situations, attitude can be a lifesaver.

Please choose to comment on this post. Thanks and choose to have a wonderful day.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Conflicting Emotions

2011-08-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

The need to know that our life matters is a need that cannot be denied. Each person is wonderful, special and important. One life is worth no more or no less than another.

Still, there remain two problems:

1) Thinking you are somebody (over self-confidence is a liability).

2) Thinking you are nobody (God does not make junk).

Each person is unique and special. Every human being has infinite worth and value by the simple fact of being created in God’s image. Beliefs are important because a person behaves the way s/he believes. Conflicting emotions produce conflicting behaviors. The belief that one does not matter (or matter too much) acts out by cheating, stealing, over-indulgences, addictions, perversions and inhumane acts.

Attitude plays a part. Perhaps nothing shapes our destiny more than the attitude we possess. It seems that low esteem, neediness and a negative attitude hang out together. A person with low esteem becomes his own worst enemy and then projects others to be against him. Get honest with self and ask, “Is the attitude I project helping me or hurting me?” “How is it helping?” “How is it hurting?” “What is my attitude doing to the important relationships in my life?”

Perception is important. One’s perception is his/her reality whether it is truth or not. My aim is to help people honestly explore their definition of what works. It is to help one self-evaluate to see if his behavior is in keeping with his core values. And if not, to be given tools to make changes. Each individual must come to that personal determination. When we encounter opposing ideas that engender anger within, I suggest our conscious trying to get us to wake up.

Destiny is shaped by choices made and all have consequences - good or bad. Behavior is purposeful and is our best attempt – at the moment – to get a need met. So the question is not “Will we get the need met?”, but “How will it be met?” and “What will be the outcome?”

Awareness is a key element in making positive change. We are a work in progress and will be under construction until the day we die. Continue to learn and to grow and to overcome. Do not allow circumstances to beat you down. Allow difficulties to be your tutor to learn life lessons.

Get to know you. Spent time in serious personal reflection to discover the wonderful person you are. You will find a unique human being with purpose and significance. Through meditation, be enabled to be freed from false macho or crippling shyness and become comfortable in one’s own skin. Search your heart and mind so the substance of who you are can be revealed to you. Esteem, wisdom, love, creativity, peace and joy are ours for the mining.

Everyone has an inner chamber into which s/he can retreat at will. It is a sanctuary free from daily cares, free from judgment, free from agitation, change and turmoil. It is a place where your senses can rest, where you are regenerated and recreated. The longer one stays in the secret place, the better equipped to handle the public life of the difficult. Life becomes congruent.

Now it's your turn. Share with us the ways you handle conflicting emotions, or ask for specific help in a specific area.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Power Tools

2011-08-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

All of us seek identity, significance, purpose and power. The power need is the need to feel important and to be appreciated for who we are and for what we do. The power need is met through confidence, being heard and understood, accomplishments and in the giving and receiving of service and respect.

Motivational speaker Les Brown has six "Tools to Reclaim Your Power" Here is my interpretation of Les's tools.

1. It’s possible. When you have an idea that will benefit self and mankind it is possible that you can implement it. If anyone else in the entire world has done something out-of-the-box, then it is possible that you, too, can do something beyond your current skill level, whether simple or exemplary.

2. It’s necessary. Once you begin the possible it becomes a need to carry through. Having left a place of safety it is necessary to broaden one's comfort zone. It becomes a white-heat passion that must be fulfilled.

3. It’s you. Others may in time come alongside to assist, guide or carry on but initially the weight is on your own shoulders. It is dependent upon your own unlimited belief in yourself. It is you investing your time, your energy and your resources into a fledgling concept. It is you motivating you to keep on keeping on, to continue when everything within says "Quit".

4. It’s hard. An airplane needs resistance to fly. Mechanically - as well as physically and emotionally - it is hard to overcome pull and drag in order to soar. It is hard to keep up momentum when others may think you are crazy. It is hard to get up after a seeming defeat. It is hard to push for change in a complacent, smug, self-satisfied world.

5. It’s worth it. Your second wind kicks in, the goal is in sight and nothing will stop you now. The rewards, small and no-so-small, begin to collect and grow. You are filled with gratitude to God, family, associates and the world for what you have learned and how you have grown in the journey.

6. It’s finished. This is the most beautiful part. Even before crossing the finish line, your dream has taken on a life of its own and it will succeed in spite-of-you, with or without you. Your legacy is intact and will be passed on to future generations.

Be like Tim the-tool-man Taylor and add “more power” to your dreams. When inspiration calls, answer the phone and give it directions to fine you.

I would love to hear your "power tools". Please comment.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Calming an Angry Person

2011-07-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

A client confessed, “When I encounter a difficult person I have a tendency to become difficult in response and I don’t like that.”

Anger is an emotion common to all. However, the manner in which we display this emotion is within our control. An angry person is difficult to communicate with. Whether employed by a two year old or an adult, angry outbursts are temper tantrums meant to control another.

There are two types of temper tantrums. One is whim-of-the-moment-frustration. The other is pent-up wrath over unresolved issues. Learn to distinguish between the two and respond accordingly, whether calming yourself or another.

Unprovoked angry outbursts. Frustration is the feeling one has when life says “No” and we wanted it to say “Yes”. The impulsive outburst is a release of emotions based on denial, fear, irritation, hunger, fatigue or illness. It is a sudden thought, want or feeling rather than reason or need. In a state of emotional anger, a person gives opinions rather than genuine thinking.

Ways to respond:
• Give compassionate attention by approaching in a calm and reassuring manner.
• Respond with kindness. Be tough on behavior and gentle with the person.
• Understand. Acknowledge his/her pain.
• Encourage self-control. Ask the individual to sit a moment and catch his breath.
• Empathize. Consider that in similar situations you may have acted rashly. Be compassionate where you have developed self-control.
• Give guidance, not condemnation or criticism.
• Value the individual regardless of behavior.
• Help the person to determine a solution; suggest, do not command.

Chronic wrath. Another type of temper tantrum is an outcropping of ongoing pent up unexpressed anger. The outburst is an attempt to control. Unresolved anger smolders and acts out in a variety of ways including aggression, passive-aggressive moods and irrational behaviors. It is manipulative. It is trying to get one’s way, regardless of how the absurdity. This anger is the breeding ground for violence.

Ways to respond:
• Be an adult in the situation. Do not sink to the angry person’s level of wrath
• Stay calm and speak in quiet tones. Whisper if necessary to quell the other’s shouting.
• Do not allow their manipulative behavior to be effective. If the person gets you angry, as diabolical as it seems, s/he has accomplished a goal, whether she gets what she wants or not.
• Respond to the need rather than react to the behavior.
• Ask “What” to illicit an honest response, rather than “Why” blames or justifies.
• Allow the individual to own his own feelings. They are legitimate, even if irrational.
• Give appropriate space. When push comes to shove, DON’T.

When we are able to verbalize the injustice – and are heard (without judgment or condemnation) - we are in a position to do the necessary emotional work that leads to overcoming. As one is able to appropriately express emotions he/she becomes a more developed person.

Let's talk. Share how you have handled a difficult situation or where you may need encouragement.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Daily Thanks

2011-07-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Two things cannot occupy the same space.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to remain stressed when focused on being thankful. Your frustration with the inept co-worker eases as you mentally search for his/her positive qualities. The disgruntled mate seems less irritable as you appreciate his/her continued contribution to the family on a daily-thankless-basis. The childishness of a child is softened as you are thankful for the contribution of his innocent life.

It’s fact, not feelings. At the moment you may not feel grateful, but consider the alternative. No birthdays means no life. No messes means no opportunities to be responsible. No difficult relationships means no family, friends, neighbors or co-workers.

Eliminate negative thinking. Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Look deeply to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Adopt a spirit of forgiveness. To forgive or to not forgive, each has a powerful sway over your day-to-day existence. And it is a choice. True, it may be difficult to forgive. However, I suggest that it is also hard to not forgive.

Unforgiveness keeps one bound to the past. It sets you up for more hurts. Unforgiveness keeps you in misery. Would you not rather be happy?

Forgiveness does not mean condoning bad behavior nor does it render the offender free of justice. Forgiveness frees you of negativity. It gives you energy to enjoy life. It deepens your well of thankfulness.

Accept what is. Living in the present gives insight into the past and makes for more effective future decisions. The reason for this is because it adds depth. You begin to understand how yesterday touches today and connects to tomorrow.

Accepting what is lends to an unbiased assessment of what is working and what is not working. Failure to accept what is hinders the ability to make manageable improvements. Failure to accept what is magically expects things to improve in the future, while subconsciously doubting that it will happen. Failure to accept what is blinds you to the creative energy of solutions.

Having an “attitude of gratitude” serves you on a daily basis, 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, all the years of your life. Is there a downside to being thankful? I have not found one. Can you honestly think of an upside to focusing on the problem? I have not found one.

What if I am right? Isn’t it worth a try? A genuine expression of thanks for whatever shows up in your life contributes to ongoing happiness and improved relationships.

P.S. Don’t forget to connect with me.

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Self-Care

2011-07-14T12:14:00.000-05:00

It is more important that you take care of you than that you take care of them. Does that sound selfish? Done in the right spirit, it is the first step toward selflessness. You cannot give out of an empty basket. A hungry man is unable to feed another. A full chef delights in serving.

Decay or grow. Our bodies are built to move. Movement stimulates cell growth. Reduced movement results in cell atrophy. A lethargic lifestyle causes the body to waste away. Decay. The body is a good servant in that it responds as gracefully as possible to the treatment we give it.

Endless recycle program. Our bodies consist of trillions of cells. They continually die off and are replaced. Bones dissolve and regenerate. High school health class taught that we have a completely new body ever seven years. But it is in increments, like 1% a day. What determines the quality of replacement? Whether the replacement quality is high or inferior depends on the lifestyle choices we make every day. Stronger or weaker cells? Our choice.

Intentional care. Remember the airline instructions? In case of emergency, you place the air bag on you first before helping the child, elderly, infirmed or others. Be intentional about your nutrition, your rest and your needs so that you are in optimum condition - mentally and physically - to help others.

Emotions play a big part. Human beings are composed of molecules therefore everything affects our molecular structure. Destructive emotions such as anger, hate, resentment, stress and loneliness send a “decay” message to the cells. These long-held emotions lead to chronic pain. Even though the angry person may be wishing ill on another, in reality, he is issuing his own death warrant.

Conversely, positive emotions such as optimism, love, compassion and community promote strength, thus healthy molecules. Not only does the molecular body benefit, but also one’s mind, heart, spirit and social life.

Handling the day-to-day stresses of life begins with self-care. Start with quality quiet time. What if it really does work?

Please let me hear from you. Thank you for your friendship, your business and your continued support. Let’s reach our goals together.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Being a Jerk

2011-07-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

In the movie, The Call of the Wilderness, Stewart Little befriended Carlos the Skunk. In building their relationship Stewart Little taught Carlos valuable life lessons. Carlos said “I thought the other animals didn’t like me because I smelled. Now I realize they didn’t like me because I was a jerk.”

Here is a simple assessment of jerky behavior and thoughts for overcoming.

Are you tactfully and respectfully able to speak openly and honestly? Do you give thought before addressing an issue? Do you respect the person even when you disapprove of the behavior? Or do you blurt out your truth (opinion) and let the chips fall wherever they may?

Can you address hard issues without undue anxiety? Are you emotionally honest about your feelings? Do you allow anger to mask your hurt?

Do you enjoy spending time with your family? Or do you dread togetherness? What is your attitude in taking care of common household responsibilities? Forced or willing? Are you a team player or a lone-ranger?

Do you recite a litany of what everyone is “supposed” to do? Do you keep score? If things do not go your way, do you raise a stink?

How do you handle criticism? Being defensive when corrected is a mark of immaturity. Rather than get honest with one’s shortcomings and deal with them head-on, a jerk tries to protect self at all cost. The ego is too bruised to handle the comment so he counter-attacks.

The jerk views his offensive behavior as an ill-fated flaw which he has no power to correct. It goes beyond being wrong to being a failure. Overcome being a jerk by realizing you have been given the opportunity of seeing yourself from another’s point of view. One outside of yourself. That the critic’s response is a mirror reflecting you back to you.

Do you mask your imperfections? Perfectionists are especially tough on themselves. Not so much from not knowing their faults but from fear of another finding them out.

Get over yourself. Become a part of the human race; one flawed individual interacting with other flawed individuals. See their comment as a meaningful suggestion not as a pronunciation of your being a totally inept person. Good response: “Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thank you for pointing it out.”

Are you willing to forgive? Regardless of how painful, do not allow a passing moment to become a lifetime hurtful memory. Do not allow your scars to turn into sarcastic, demeaning responses, aimed at the guilty and innocent alike. Start with the decision to forgive you. In time, that will give you the courage to extend forgiveness to others. Come to grips with your past so you can move beyond it.

Rationalization is not evaluation. Cessandra Farmer says that “Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable answer for a socially unacceptable behavior.” Rationalization is being a jerk. No matter how much information is given, either positively or negatively, until the individual evaluates the situation for himself, the confrontation is mute.

I suggest Carlos came to his conclusion by observing his previous off-putting behavior and assessing the lack of fulfillment. I encourage you to do the same. Self-evaluate, get honest and overcome. Even skunks can become pleasant to be around.

Let’s start a conversation. What jerky behavior have you observed? What are positive steps for change? Please make a comment regarding this post. Thanks.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

America, Land of the Free

2011-07-04T07:00:00.001-05:00

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,

that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights,

that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Declaration of Independence

The human spirit loves freedom. The human heart also searches for truth. Truth, morality and rights, are not of human origin, but of divine origin. The rights we enjoy in America did not come from Thomas Jefferson, nor from the founding fathers, nor from our constitution, but from a higher source.

Man is not the creator and arbitrator of right and wrong. Right and wrong, good and evil are universal moral facts. It is not a matter of relativity. Some things are right. Some things are wrong. And you know it. To try to alter them is to invite chaos. The ambiguity of morality is evidenced in the actions of a society by what it esteems and by what it disdains.

Although we do not have the right to make up our own right and wrong, we do have a duty to enforce established civil laws. This fact is evidenced in literature of all ages with the theme being good vs. evil, from the Bible to Harry Potter. Regardless of the ensuing death and destruction, good always wins in the end. Michael Esses observed, “An endless number of laws have been enacted just to uphold the Ten Commandments.”

Mankind has been gifted with a conscience; that innate knowing of right and wrong. Conscience is that small voice inside that compels us to do what is moral, honest and encourages humane actions. Conscience produces guilt when disavowed.

Psychiatrist Victor Frankl, a survivor of four concentration camps assessed the state of America by suggesting that a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast supplement the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast. The liberties we enjoy - the ones fought for and sustained by the sweat and blood of patriots - are being threatened by usurped individual freedom to do what one sees as right.

Thanks to our God-given gift of freewill, mankind is ultimately self-determining. The liberty we experience and the world reputation we esteem will remain strong (and grow) in proportion to our individual and corporate appreciation of freedom and our moral responsibility to all humanity. Let freedom ring loud and clear.

Communicating Appreciation

2011-07-01T11:49:00.001-05:00

A concerned parent asked, “How do I get my child to say ‘Thank you’ without prompting? Here are some thoughts.

Model a leadership role. Manners are more caught than taught. Be diligent in verbalizing thanks to others for acts of kindness, large or small. As you create an optimal environment of appreciation – at home as well as in social settings – the child is going to mimic you.

Give time time. It takes an incubation period, but at the end of the day, children are mirrors reflecting you. In YOU Raising Your Child, Drs. Oz and Roizen pronounce parents as the most powerful messenger in a child’s life from day one and that the communication “may involve no words at all.”

Robert B. Sloan, Jr., former President of Baylor University and father of seven, calls it the “lunch pail principle”. If you plan to be a good parent, then bring your lunch pail, for it is an all day affair.

Observe and comment. As a young mother I watched our daughter’s childish response to an impromptu gift given to her. She received the beautifully wrapped box with wide-eyed wonder. She issued “aahs” and “oohs” while un-wrapping it, but did not utter “thanks”.

As she removed the object from its container, she said, “I have always wanted one of these.”

Still no magic words.

The giver was obviously receptive to the child’s joy. It took great patience for me to observe without prompting.

As Melinda rewrapped the gift and returned it to its treasure chest she said, “Well, all I know to say is, ‘Thanks’.

I breathed a sigh of relief and learned a valuable lesson. A smile can imply “thank you” before words are formulated. To anxious parents I preempt their prodding by acknowledging the child’s unspoken communication. You can do that too.

Be gracious and give grace. In reflection, what is more gracious, an instant canned reply or a delayed genuine response? Extending training and patience is more a test of the parents own character than that of the child.

Parenting skills do pay off. Enjoy your child as you learn and teach each other.

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You and the Rest of the World

2011-05-26T14:08:00.005-05:00

All people seek a quality world in which they can experience maximum happiness and success with a minimum pain, suffering and failure. The work force is a major part of this quality world. Whether domestic, volunteer or corporate, the relationship you have with your work and the people with whom you work is invaluable in your wholeness.

All humanity: Each human being has been encoded with gifts that, when unwrapped and put into use, bless himself, his family, the community and the world. Each person has a calling, and when the call is answered, her life becomes more fulfilling.

The civic community: Thomas Friedman tells us that The World is Flat. Each person is a vital part of a larger community and his behavior has a ripple effect on others. Become a valued member of society by obeying the laws of the land (even traffic rules), respecting property, voting, taking active participation in civic matters, recycling and protecting the environment. Value the natural environment by being a good steward. The relationship you have with the community is invaluable in the quality of life passed to future generations.

The work force: In any business leverage has three equal sides: marketing, technology, and people. People vote with their feet. If they do not like a product, they quit buying it. If they do not like the service rendered, they look else where. People continue to interact with people, and continue to do business with businesses that continues to add value to their lives. Every consumer’s buying motive is twofold: 1) a benefit to be gained 2) a loss to be averted.

In business: There are two kinds of customers, internal and external. When pressure is on performance and profit, caring people can behave in uncaring ways. A caring manager can come across as uncaring when his overarching thought are on upholding the company’s bottom line of profit by taking care of the external customers (shoppers and clients). In so doing, she fails to take care of internal customers (workers).

People contact is more about attitude than action. Choose to put everyone into your quality world; want to connect with them. A friendly face with a welcoming smile and an embracing attitude is of more value than canned client information, even if you have to ask again. Caring and service flow from you, once you know whom you are, to connect with others. The law of reciprocity comes into play and caring and service are returned to you. Yes, client knowledge is important. Genuine caring is vital.

A construction site visitor observed workers and ask, “What are you doing?” He received a variety of it’s-just-a-job-and-I-have-to-be-here-replies. One man was pushing a heavy wheelbarrow filled with bricks up a third-story gangplank. He was huffing, puffing, and sweating. His reply was, “I’m building a cathedral.”

In the things you put your hands to, are you just performing a job or building a cathedral? The people with whom you interact, are they “mere mortals”, or “wonderful blessings”?
There are no lone rangers. People matter. We need people. People need us.

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People in Your Quality World

2011-05-19T14:06:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in our brain is a picture of a quality world: the people, places and things that comprise our ideal. Our life is spent trying to develop the quality world pictures into a reality. This includes family relationships and those with co-workers.

Life success is dependent upon the over-arching principle of the intrinsic value of people and the needs of each to love and to serve. All people are searching for identity, position, purpose and significance. It is through integritious giving and gracious receiving of friendship and service that we are fulfilled and find purpose.

There are two types of networks, internal and peripheral. Co-workers come with the job. Neighbors move in and out. With the exception of your mate, families are by chance, not choice. In one sense we all live in blended families; valuing diversity is vital for harmony. Choose to make the by-chance people a part of your quality world. Relate to them in a caring manner. Become involved and seek to understand. Spend quality time together having fun and openly communicate.

Value people and their potential. People in your internal network are there by chance, not choice, but that does not diminish their value and importance. Make a conscious, deliberate, continual, on-purpose choice to see their intrinsic value and importance. Appreciate each one’s unique contribution to your life and work. Help in the development of talents and be encouraging. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. The relationship you have with your family is invaluable in building overall success and in your legacy to future generations.

This includes you. You did not choose to be born, yet life and family is the greatest gift God and your parents gave you. Honor self and be true to you.

Peripheral people. The human condition places too much emphasis on peripheral people and thereby tends to be on stage and give top performance for them. It may be easier to be patient with the rude customer than to be kind to your difficult mate. It may be easier to be more longsuffering with a peripheral person, than with your cranky child or your irritating in-laws. It may be easier to be polite to those on the peripheral than those who contribute most to your happiness and success. Get a new perspective. Nurture the individuals in your internal network as you nurture a love-interest. Court them as you would your boss or a new account.

The beauty of your internal network is the ready availability for frequent interaction. Look for ways to show appreciation. Be aware of their unique talents and give specific praise. In your dealings with those in your quality world, be open and forthright with no hidden agendas. Be faithful to keep them in the loop through the power of information.

Family, co-workers and community all contribute to our quality world. The healthier the relationship we develop with them – individually and corporately – the greater our life success and happiness.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Your Relationship with You

2011-05-05T14:03:00.000-05:00

Children are born with a healthy self-love. All too often we are influenced to become someone else. We, as well as society, pay a heavy price for it.

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a well known cosmetics surgeon, revealed that many of his clients thought their surgery was a failure because they were still dissatisfied with themselves. True beauty comes from within and starts with receiving the gift of you. Since your self-relationship is one you have total control over, why make it negative? Beating self up serves absolutely no wholesome purpose.

Appreciate your givens. You are you largely thanks to the DNA supplied from past generations. Givens include pre-programming of skin color, eye color, how tall one grows to become, etc. They just are. They are not for our shame, neither are they for our arrogance. Even though you were not privy to these initial givens, you have an ongoing part in your gratitude for the life bestowed upon you and in your thankfulness for your unique appearance, abilities and talents.

Self-image is the picture you have of yourself. It can be true or false. An anorexic may see self as fat, whereas a heavier individual may genuinely not see the excess pounds.

Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself – high or low, regardless of truth. A talented individual may esteem his gifts as unimportant, whereas a lesser talented person may esteem his abilities as noteworthy.

Self-worth is an internal knowledge of your intrinsic value and dignity as a human being whether you are thin or fat, short or tall, talented or untalented, business owner or hourly employee, rich or poor, or a multitude of other external measuring rods. Appreciate your innate worth, value and dignity. It is essential to receive the gift of yourself.

You have purpose. You were placed on planet earth for a reason. You belong. You are not a mistake. You are not junk. Healthy esteem recognizes that others have worth and value for the same reason. This truth produces humility and cooperation. You have gifts and talents that can contribute to your fulfillment, add to the happiness of others, as well as to making the world a better place. You are unique and special, a wonder to behold. You were formed with greatness in your bosom.

As necessary, work on your relationship with you, either to shore up a lowered esteem or to burst the bubble of an inflated ego. Healthy self-esteem and happiness go hand-in-hand. Healthy self-esteem and a high regard for others are close companions. Healthy self-esteem and life success are copartners.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Investment in Wellness

2011-04-28T14:00:00.002-05:00

What does it mean to invest?
What does wellness or wholeness mean?
What are some synonyms of wellness?

If I could take all of these questions and boil them down to one concept that embodies the totality of wellness, it would be relationship. We meet all of our needs -directly or indirectly- through our relationships with others. The irony is that when we are out of sorts, we attack the very people we need.

It’s all about relationship. From the cradle to the grave, two universal human needs are to love and to serve. No matter the venue – home, family, workforce, salesmanship, community involvement, volunteer work, government, law enforcement, or breakthrough sciences like Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is all about the state or quality of relating.

Relationship is about people skills. The foundation of people skills is about valuing the individual. Everything requires people. Everything is about people. We never get anything in life without having someone we need to thank. Psychiatrist William Glasser suggests that except for abject poverty, incurable illness or living under tyranny all human misery is a result of failure to have a good relationship with those people important to us.

Four great relationships of a lifetime. The four relationships include self, God (higher power), people in our quality world and the rest of the people in the world. All of these relationships are interconnected and affect each other.

Shakespeare had Hamlet to proclaim: “To thine own self be true and it follows as surely as night follows day thou canst not be false with any other man.”

What we give into the life of others comes back into our own. As we are true to self, we will be trustworthy in all our dealings with others. As we invest in determining self-motives, we will lessen judgments of others. As we genuinely assess our human flaws we become less critical of others. As we understand our humanity, we will have compassion for those weaker and appreciation of those stronger.

Anytime we are improving one relationship, by default we are improving all our relationships. Anytime we are destroying one relationship, by default we are destroying all our relationships. Even though circumstances change, all categories of relationships have value. All are worthy of investment of time and energy.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Investment in Wellness

2011-04-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

Frugal Living

2011-04-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve been frugal all my life and now, thanks to the current economy, I am in style.

Apply the oil-change-lesson to everything. Pay me now or pay me later. Maintenance is a must. Get the oil changed ever 3,000 miles (or do it yourself). Rotate the tires routinely. Check and replace worn belts.

Closet cleaning and de-clutter. Break out the baking soda, vinegar and bleach to clean and disinfect most anything. They are more cost efficient than having a cleaner specifically for each area. With three products per closet, you have abundantly more space as well as more pocket change.

Use your creativity. How many new and exciting ways can you prepare hamburger meat? Create something new from old standbys. Mix and match clothes to make new outfits. Add pins or scarves for variety and newness.

Use the on-your-shelf supplies. How much food, make-up and cleaning supplies are about to expire from being shoved to the back of the shelf? Bring them to the forefront and make use of it. At the beginning of 2010 I committed to emptying our freezer and larder before restocking. Surprisingly, that decision has carried us four months with the exception of dairy products and produce.

Adopt the Shaker philosophy of “use it up, wear it out, make it do, do with out.” Allow it to become an adventure

Need vs. want. Save the sale price by refusing to buy just because it is a bargain. How many bargains currently clutter your closets and how many dollars have been dolled out for illogical emotional reasoning?

Rotate. Give a breather to clothes and shoes by allowing them to stand idle for a minimum of 24-hours between usages. The downtime makes lends to longer wear.

Learn to barter. Everyone likes to buy; no one likes to be sold. Buy on your terms, not the sellers. Make an offer whether it is an in-store product or a service. Ask, “Would you be willing to take $10.00 for this?” “I am able to pay $150.00 for the repair. Do you want the job?”

An apple a day…. Save on doctor visits by eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, washing your hands and engaging in positive thinking.

Frugal is not a dirty word. Being frugal is the best of cost-conscious living.

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Forgiving and Being Forgiven

2011-04-21T08:46:00.000-05:00

As we enter spring and the Easter Season there seems to be two things that go hand in hand. The beauty of spring causes us to participate in planting and growing. The reality of Easter causes us to get personal with Jesus. Easter brings us face-to-face with how we feel about our family member Jesus.

On the cross Jesus cried, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Although transcribed only once in the Gospels, Bible scholars tell us the verb tense indicates the phrase was repeated over and over.

As the crowd jeered along the pathway, Jesus prayed, ““Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the spikes tore into his flesh, Jesus begged, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” As the soldiers gambled for his royal robe, Jesus urgently entreated, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

One might posture that the unbelievers knew what they were doing. Yes and No. It was a knowing-not-knowing. A knowing that your emotions are angry and filled with hate. A knowing that one wants to lash out and hurt another - maybe the one seen as causing the pain. A knowing of the lie behind “revenge is sweet”. A knowing of the immediate actions, but a not-knowing of the long range effects. A not-knowing of the hurt afflicted on others by default. A not-knowing of the burden of guilt of a selfish act.

Since Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, even yet today he intercedes on behalf of you and me, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Forgive and forget. People are often reluctant to forgive, mistakenly thinking the offender is off the hook. Some feel guilty for not forgiving. Some have tried to forgive but think they have failed because they cannot forget. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness often makes things not worth remembering. There are thing that are completely forgiven that we would never want to forget.

Did God forget the cross? Jesus interceded for those crucifying him. Does that mean it was over and he forgot the whole incident? Certainly not! He transformed it from a thing of hurt into a thing of grace. God remembers the cross; not to strike back but to give salvation. He would never want to forget it because it was a hard-fought victory of mercy.

Are there some things you wish you could forget? Allow the pain to remind you that God’s work isn’t finished yet. That he is calling you to a place of offering forgiveness so you can find healing. Let it call you into the arms of Jesus, the one who truly understand pain, rejection and injustice. Allow beauty to spring forth from the scars. Allow God to transform your memories into a testimony of his grace.

It is easier to choose to forgive another when we receive the reality that we are forgiven.

Quality Quiet Time

2011-04-14T13:53:00.000-05:00

In a busy rush, rush world, you may think you do not have a second for yourself. And to take a few minutes would be selfish. Not so. You cannot give out of an empty basket. Taking a few minutes for quality quiet time pays huge dividends.

Enjoy the learning curve. The things I suggest may seem hard, but I suggest they are more unfamiliar than hard. We recently redid the grandkids playroom and I installed ceiling tiles. I read the instructions and understood how to do it. I became frustrated. It wasn't as easy as it sounded. You see, I had the head knowledge but had not developed the skill level. Not wanting to leave the room unfinished, I persisted. By the time the project was done I was proficient enough to be willing to tackle another room. Every new skill has a learning curve.

Hear yourself think. Busy-ness lends itself to chaos. It keeps neutrality at bay. Sit for a minute and push the mind chatter aside. Listen objectively to your thoughts and consciously decide which ones are keepers, which ones need to be jettisoned and which ones need to be modified. Since thought precedes accomplishment, thinking things through leads to beneficial output.

Release your oomph. Rushing hampers vim and vigor. “The faster I go the behinder I get.” Do you identify? Thoughtful solitude turns potential energy into actual force.

Bio-rhythm benefit. Eight hours of restful sleep resets one’s internal clock. The hurry-hurry of a disorganized life easily disrupts it. Deliberate pauses allow the body and mind to catch up with each other and work in tandem. It also strengthens your immune system. Not getting restful sleep? Frequent mini-relax episodes are a precursor to sustained nightly sleep. Meditation before bedtime sets up the cadence-tempo-pulse-regularity sequence for the night.

Release your creativity. Quiet reflection loosens the thinking bottleneck. Thoughts that dart here and there comes together to produce and construct.

Solve problems. Similar to defragging on the computer, reflection allows the files of your mind to realign and settle into the right spot.

Balcony perspective. Step back and really see from a detached viewpoint. This stance allows the conversation to be different. You are stimulated to self-discovery that gives power to respond rather than react.

Build self-esteem. Get in touch with your true self. Get to know the wonderful you that you are.

Meditation is not another thing to add to your already jam-packed to-do-list. It is not a time waster. Actually, it is a time maker and peace generator. Try it. You’ll like it.

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The Tension of Boundaries

2011-04-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

Life is filled with tension; ask any self-willed child. The tension lies between what one wants to do and what is not prudent for one to do. Many times the tension is between timidity and courage. In order to establish boundaries in a difficult relationship, one must first determine his/her limits. And second, think through your approach. Here are some thoughts.

They are limits to what one can enforce. For instance, you can request another to reframe from using vulgar language (at least in your presence) or you can choose to walk away if the petition is not honored, but you cannot make the person cleanup his foul mouth. Although constraint can be feigned, change has to be a personal choice.

Timing is important. Speak with an offended person when his emotions are not guarded. Explain that you need to express how you feel in hopes of deeper understanding on both sides. Emphasize this is an observation, not an attack. The underlying emotion behind being defensive is a fear of loss; the loss of your respect, your concern, your love. Lack of giving meaningful feedback is the fear of being seen as critical or rude; also the fear of being wrong.

Do not back down from the consequences. Be forewarned that whether adhered to or balked at, the request may create added tension in the relationship. The resolution depends a great deal on your on-going attitude in further interaction with the individual. Do not back down and do not allow yourself to be less than who you are. Diminishing self gives another undue power over you. And both lose.

Do not hint around or pout. When you have something on your mind please say it.
Monitor your attitude to be matter-of-fact rather than condemning. Keep the lines of communication open by allowing feedback. Rephrase the comment to be sure you have understood the issue correctly. When respect and trust are missing in relationship resentment quickly moves in.

Give room to grow. To the person who assures you that everything is “Okay”, it is not your job to cajole him out of a snit. Give him alone time to work through his own issues. In future encounters say “Are you concerned about something?” If he is not receptive, disengage with the probe.

The beauty of establishing your limits is that your demeanor precedes you so that new encounters will sense and honor your principles. Should one broach your limits, your quick-and-firm-yet-kind response will evoke an apology and light stepping.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Life Lessons

2011-03-31T13:48:00.000-05:00

I gave a talk for Women in Banking. Since at one point in my career I worked in a bank, I entitled my talk Life Lessons from Banking. But they are really life lessons from life.

Whatever your hand finds to do… I entered the work force directly out of high school and loved the excitement of being in a grown-up world. I was a secretary and felt so important. I answered phones and interacted with clients and solved problems. I loved it. I looked forward to Monday mornings and TGIF was not a part of my vocabulary. Then I began to listen to the office chatter; the complaints and taking extra minutes at break. My zeal began to wane. In my daily reading was the axiom, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” I learned the power of enthusiasm. I learned the power of personal accountability. This newly found work ethic served me well then and continues to do so to this day.

The creativity of uniform. We wore uniforms. They were red, white and blue and included blazers, skirt, pants and vests. I loved it. The more we dressed alike, the more individual we became; the more personalities shown through. The sameness released creativity in accessorizing. The standardized dress code saved time and energy in the morning. And in travel, it cut down on packing. This dress simplicity is a life lesson I continue to incorporate. The rewards are innumerable. The application has spread to other areas for effortless stress-free living.

A penny earned is a penny earned. When I became pregnant and wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom, we curtailed our spending and began to put every penny toward paying off our home loan. When you have purpose, sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice. This principle has come in handy in situations like working through rocky patches in our forty-three year marriage. In choosing to be the caretaker for Garland’s aging Mom. When we released our growing daughter to become her own person, there was no worries for the relationship had been early solidified. With the current economic situation and downturn in the stock market, the value of frugality redeems itself.

Be a lifelong learner. The bank offered reimbursement for credit classes. I began to see how my job interrelated to other jobs in the organization, helping all to run efficiently as a whole. We are connected and what we do effect others. We live in community; happiness and success are about relationships.

I choose to live looking for the deeper meaning in every situation. And it is a choice. We can live haphazardly or we can live with intention. I want to live with conscious intention and encourage you to do the same. Together we can continually grow and bloom and blossom.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Challenge Your Beliefs

2011-03-24T13:44:00.000-05:00

Everyone has something that represents the center of his being – a career, a relationship, a dream, a concept – and that something determines his priorities and attitudes.

Concepts become a part of your life only through agreement, and once you agree, you believe. Once you believe, you act in keeping with the belief. Your beliefs become who you are. Sometimes the concept agreed to is not truth, and the things believed are faulty and the values adopted are in opposition to the freedom sought.

A person will believe what he believes until he believes something different. The values you have been taught influence who you are. The values you choose to ascribe to determine whom you become. We are not static individuals. We have been given a mind with which to reason and a free will with which to make choices. When we see the validly for change, we can make new agreements.

For example, suppose a person is taught that “plaid” people are not to be trusted, and he agrees because he values the culture that taught him this concept. When he agrees that plaid people are unreliable then his actions follow suit, and he shunned them. In time he encounters plaid people at work, in the neighborhood and at civic events. This continued exposure would either affirm or disavow his belief about plaid people. If the concept holds true, he is a much happier man for he has discovered truth. But, if the original concept proves to be faulty, value conflicts arise and he becomes an increasingly unhappy and angry man, even though he may hold on to the negative belief about plaid people.

I encourage people to challenge their beliefs. If you challenge what you believe and it begins to crumble, then you are in a position to look for truth. If you challenge the belief and it holds true, you become a stronger and more settled person. Warning: If your challenged conception proves to be genuine, allow that truth to motivate you toward compassion for the one still deceived, rather than being judgmental.

We, as fellow human beings, are more alike than we are different. Ethics cannot be legislated, however, there are universal laws of human conduct, and to violate them brings choas. There is a wide spectrum of what constitutes value, there also are standards that people around the world, and that all major religions, adhere to. Webster’s Dictionary defines conscious as, “as inner knowing of right from wrong, with a compulsion to do right.” Psychiatrist Carl Jung calls it “the collective unconscious,” meaning an inner knowing whether you heed it or not.

If your life becoming more glorious? Are all your important relationships becoming more loving? Is every aspect of your success more enjoyable? Is your overall well-being becoming healthier? Is your sleep sweet? If the answer to any of these is questionable, perhaps it is time to challenge your beliefs. Listen to the still small voice inside, and heed it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcome Being Overwhelmed

2011-03-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

It is a common malady. Saying “Yes” when “No” is really in your own best interest. Assuming responsible for others and overstepping your bounds. Fall into the try-to-be-all-things-to-all-people syndrome and being unappreciated. Erroneously thinking “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”

Evaluate responsibility. Responsibility is an honorable trait and it is imperative to understand its limits. Be responsible for you and to others. You are responsible for your choices, your attitude, your thoughts, your actions, and whom you associate with. You are not responsible for another’s choices, attitude, actions and associations. In trying to control what (whom) we cannot control that contributes to being overwhelmed. Assess your position and adjust. Being responsible for the world is too heavy a burden for your shoulders. It creates stress, guilt and unnecessary frustration. Let it go! Embrace the flowing freedom on being less responsible. Pause before ever considering a “Yes” response or a dictate of what “should” be done.

Relationships are not one-sided. Unmet expectations breed frustration that is played out in negatives acts (consciously or unconsciously). You are not obligated to cajole your mate out of his snit. Let him work through it on his own. The same is true for teens and co-workers. You can speak to the need for an attitude adjustment, but you are not the mechanic. Step out of the emotion of the moment into a detach frame to assess if the mood is vindictive. If the intention was not for harm, then together engage in clean up.

Do not keep score. Tit-for-tat is futile. If someone accomplished more on the project than you, appreciate it. Go for teamwork where all win together. If the neighbor has a bigger house so what? Your worth and value is not attached to material things. Maybe he did not apologize, but if his actions changed then receive it graciously. Another may be better looking or have a greater physique, but your significance is not tied to externals.

Re-think and Re-teach. We teach others how to treat us by the things we allow and/or do not allow. Mistaken cooperation allows the offender to get away with disrespect; to break boundaries; to intrude and wreck our space. Speak up. Say something like, "I realize that I have led you to believe that my time is your time. I have allowed you to disrespect me and acted as if it didn't matter. It does matter. I apologize for being weak. I ask you to never speak to me in that manner again."

Take care of you. You cannot give out of an empty basket. When you are running on fumes, not only are you depleting you, you are also shortchanging them. Put yourself to bed at night. Make alone time for you to regenerate. Do something special just for you. Sit down to eat and make it healthy stuff. Leave a project undone; the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Let’s revisit the “If it’s to be it’s up to me” statement. In some instances that is exactly true. And this is one of them. Overcoming is a do-it-yourself job. To rise above being overwhelmed the ball is in your court. Say “No” and feel good about it. Be responsible to but not for others (family included with the exception of small children). With surrender comes a big exhale. Enjoy.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Just Say "No"

2011-03-10T13:40:00.000-06:00

You can learn to say “No” when it is in your own best interest. It is not difficult. Actually it comes naturally; just ask any two-year-old. What happened to take away your power is not relevant now. It is imperative that you get it back.

Start by moving. The key is to go forward. When you are paralyzed by fear or anxiety - start moving and start speaking. We are drawn to the familiar. This makes it hard to step into the unknown even when that action holds a promise of a better future. Let go of the familiar rut and reach for something new. Search deep inside for courage and trust. Trust yourself, trust others and trust God (higher power). You are equipped to handle things beyond your seeming capacity.
Find your own beginning and ending. Boundaries make trust and intimacy possible. Allowing another to make all the decisions may give a brief sense of security, but it is not sustaining. Loving someone too much is a disguise for your own insecurity. The feeling of bondage to another is more than physical; it is also psychological and spiritual. Get in touch with you to know where you end and another begins. “No” is a good word. It claries what an individual can or cannot do; what they can or cannot expect from you.

Get real. The person who continually apologizes for repeated wrongs is not sorry. If the person apologizes each time, then he knows his behavior is inappropriate and his regret is mere passive inaction. If you continue to accept the apology without a change in behavior then in effect you are saying, “It is okay for you to disrespect me.” Your lack of boundary inadvertently gives permission for the abuse to continue. Failure to say “No” to offensive behavior is perceived to be the same as accepting it. Establishing this boundary may present a minor conflict, but it is worth the effort.

Give grace. This is not to say that good intentions do not occasionally go awry and a person needs to apologize again and renew commitment to change. I am talking about a pattern of repeated conning with no effort to change. When marked genuine and accountable effort is given, then and only then, graciously allow the individual to regroup, recommit and start again.

Just say “No” is meant to be empowering, not glib. Even when you free yourself and begin to become assertive one is often still bound by fear, doubt and uncertainty. It is especially difficult when the odds seem stacked against you by a lack of resources, money or education. The overwhelming feeling is to negotiate, retreat or surrender. Help is available. Speak with local clergy or law enforcement to find assistance and support groups. Call Abuse Hot Line: 800-283-8401.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

From Suffering to Meaning

2011-03-03T13:24:00.000-06:00

All of us are searching for meaning. This search leads to the need for change. The change process encounters pain. It is easy to lie to ourselves. We think we know our intensions and that we also understand our reasoning for lack of follow through. And therein lies the self-sabotage that begs for self-honesty. Speaker/Writer John Maxwell observes that people change only “when they hurt enough they have to, they learn enough they are able to, or they experience enough they want to.”

Need for control: Problems can be a manifestation of deep-seated fear or worry that weighs us down. It is often related to anxiety or anger about losing control. Problems may begin during a particularly stressful situation and progress with on-going “out-of-control” phases of your life. Pay attention to your feelings and see notice patterns of blame, shame or victimization.

Live today today. Be present. Objectively observe self and applaud or correct. Observe the things you avoid and determine why. Avoidance narrows your life.

This too shall pass. When negative emotions arise, you have the power to decide what to do with them. You can nurse, curse and rehearse the offense or you can chose to move past the hurt. To stay infects; to move beyond promotes healing.

Values clarification. Sacrifice transcends and is no longer sacrifice when you see the meaning of sacrifice. It is always need versus need. Such as the need to be your own unique self against the need for peer-acceptance. Be aware of conflicting values and make conscious choices rather than settling.

Evaluate your mental state. An overly emotional reaction to an event leads to neuroses. When you feel the room is closing in on you, sit calmly and breathe deeply. Focus on a distance object and say aloud, “That is over there and I am over here.” Look at your hands and say aloud, “I am over here and that is over there.” Repeat. Feel the space opening up. Verify that a Mac truck is not barreling down on you.

Develop discipline. Make intentional decisions and let yourself know you have reached a conclusion. The bottom line is, you either do or you do not. No decision is a decision.

Tests prove that brain chemistry changes positively when one interacts with people he trusts. For genuine transformation we need feedback from those who love us and we need to be accountable to them. It is through community that we learn enough and experience enough to be able to change. And in the process we find meaning.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Becoming a True Optimist

2011-02-24T13:15:00.000-06:00

Times are tough: war, inflation, crime, stock market, stress and debt – just to name a few. There are many things over which you have no control, but there is one thing over which you are the master. And that is of your own thinking.

The way you think affects your self-esteem, your attitude, your success and your demeanor. Here are some useful tips on how to become a true optimist.

Choose to be cheerful. When you feel discouraged, stop yourself. Physically turn around as a spring board to remind you to think about what you are choosing to think. Refuse to acknowledge defeatist thoughts. They are not acceptable. An upbeat attitude paves the way to creative solutions.

Remain hopeful. Do not deny reality. Roses do have thorns. Be careful while enjoying the beauty and the fragrance. Do not deny the negative. Do not allow possible hurt to sabotage potential enlightenment. See it and proceed with caution.

Turn negatives into positives. Being an optimist is not ignoring facts. It is looking at reality and making a legitimate choice. Is the glass half full or half empty? What do you need it to be?

Practice pragmatism. Each time you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that thought and deliberately dismiss it. Look deep inside to find the root of your emotion and consciously replace it with the greater truth of your potential. This practice is profoundly spiritual and life changing. Use it. Embrace it.

Acceptance is a viable option. A bright outlook on life is as simple as accepting what is. It may help to realize that acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance of humanity’s flaws - self included – brings both a resolution and a surprising sense of eternal hope. Acceptance is a mark of maturity.

Become buoyant. Intervene in your own negative reactions. Rise above difficulties with pragmatic, confident, down-to-earth resilience. Deliberately control your thoughts and positively influence the outcome.

Daily employ the followinig Serenity Prayer. It can move you light years from gloom to hope.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Taking as Jesus did,

this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to your will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with you forever in the next.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

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Stop Quelling Your Talent

2011-02-17T13:03:00.000-06:00

What have you promised to do and not followed through on? Or what have you begun and stopped? Or what did you start and fail? Disappointments are tutors to test how badly you want to overcome. Following are some commonly used talent quelling excuses and the power gleaned from reframing the objection.

“They won’t like it.” They who? Are you going to allow another’s projected doubt to kill your dream? The complainers are usually those who are wasting their own talent. They want to quash your potential to lessen their bruised ego. You do not need another’s permission to live your life. Pursue your goals while maintaining a civil relationship with “them”; they’ll come over to your side and may even assume bragging rights to your success.

“I tried it once but…” or “I might be hurt again” You are right. There are few guarantees in life. How sad to be your own worst enemy by being blinded by fear of pain. Delve deep to find the lessons learned from the first failure or hurt so you can try anew with wiser vision.

“I’m afraid” Oh what? Success? I identify with that sentiment even though I find it to be an absurd reality. Remember the adage “You cannot cross a bridge before you get to it”? Possibly the fear is from mentally attempting to bridge a gap before you grow into it. Everything has a learning curve. Give yourself room to grow.

“What if it is not safe?” What if it is safer than you think? Are you willing to risk success?

“I’m not worthy.” How is worth determined? Worth is determined by the price you are willing to pay. If you go to buy jewelry and the price is out of your range, you might say, “No. It’s not worth it.” If the price is okay for your budget and you purchase the gem, you did so because to you it was worth it. Make yourself worthy by deciding what price you are willing to pay for your success. Then do it. Revel in your increasing self-worth as well as your blossoming net-worth.

“Oh, I really don’t have that much to offer.” How much is “that much”? Remember the two loaves and few fishes among five thousand people? And who invented the paper clip? How would you hold your papers together without it? Do you have a smile to share? A kind word to give? A small service to offer? A tiny product that would make life easier or more fun? Allow your little to become much.

“Who would listen to me?” Ah, playing small are we? What is the bigger issue: that you need someone to listen to you or that you have something to share? When you have a burning passion, delivery is fulfilling even when the audience is small. And as you grow, the audience grows.

“I might lose who I am…” Or, you just might find out who you really are. You really are a wonderful and unique individual with infinite worth and value, endowed with gifts and talents to offer your family and – yea verily - the world. Go ahead. Find out who you really are and lose your fear of becoming genuine.

In the principle of “like calls to like”, remember that energy-out matches energy-in. Whatever you sow is what you receive. Start plowing and planting. Increase your energy with movement. Now. Today. This minute. Pick up the phone and call. Get out your door.

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

What is Love Anyway?

2011-02-10T12:54:00.000-06:00

Love is one of those words we use loosely. “Love” describes an emotional attachment to anything including people, pets, and pasta. Author Julie Motz says, “love is the feeling that flows out from you – once you know who you are – to connect you to other people.”

A healthy self-love is paramount for happiness in life and for any lasting relationship. The Bible tells us to love others as we love ourselves. This passage seems to indicate that we started life with a healthy self-love. What happened?

Do not confuse a healthy self-love with an over-inflated ego. Human nature being what it is, self-love can become distorted, which, in turn can damage others and us. There is something inside the psyche that says, “I am special. I have infinite worth and value. My looks are okay. I have dreams that are noble. I am capable of great accomplishments.” What I hear from others, even those who love me, is “Who do you think you are anyway?” “What are you trying to prove?” “If only you would…”

What I know is at war with what I hear, and it confuses my thinking. It may cause one to think, “I am a nobody. I am not worth it. I am nothing.” This confusion leads to try to prove how loveable one is and often into the trap of trying to be all things to all people.

Accept the “package deal” of you and be freed to work on attitudes and behaviors that might possibly be the real culprits of why you are not successful in life and relationships. To humbly say, “Yes, I am a pretty wonderful person” is to become precisely the person you were meant to be – YOU! It is to become real.

Love is a choice more than a feeling. Although hormones aid romantic love and the initial euphoria may draw two people together, that is not what keeps a couple together. Love releases us and sets us free to be all we were created to be; it does not bind or constrain us. Genuine love has such a healthy self-image that is not threatened by the other person being who he/she is.

Love is multipliable; it is not divisible. We may have the mistaken idea that there is only so much love to go around and must be parceled out sparingly. Thus, once-important relationships take a backseat as love is divided among new friends. In blended families, much jealousy arises because Mom or Dad may be seen as dividing their love with each other or with the other children. That is not the way love works. Love is multipliable. The more you love, the more you are able to love

Time is divisible; it is not multipliable. Because love is often equated with time spent together, busy schedules can put a major damper on good relationships. For the love of your family, cut back on too many outside interests or other busy activities. Make time, don’t find it, and see how your love life flourishes.

One never outgrows the need for love, and it is never too late to learn how to give and receive it.
Start with receiving God's unconditional love.

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The Greatest of These is Love

2011-02-10T11:27:00.000-06:00

February, the month of love. Icy cold days and warm hearts.

My sister - in her high school days - was given a homework assignment to define love. She interviewed couples. Their advice ranged from the melancholy - “being able to see through each other and still enjoy the view”, to the frustrated -“something sent down from heaven to aggravate the hell out of you.”

It’s all Greek to me. If love was not complicated enough, we Americans use the word to express our affection for everything from people to popcorn to places to puzzles to pets. The Greek language has different words for different loving emotions. “Eros” (cupid) is the romantic love, “Philio” is friendship or brotherly love and “Stoic” is the kind of love for whatever is still left - things, places, activities, chocolate.

Love, passive and active. The Hebrew language has two words for love and both of them are in the active tense. “Ahab” is choosing to love from afar with the intent to pursue and woo. It is hopeful. “Hessedh” is choosing to love and to keep on loving whether received or rejected. It is steadfast and eternal.

Faith, hope, love. With or without a Rabbi’s assignment, the Apostle Paul wrote a beautiful essay on love. He gave a benchmark for us mortals to use to measure our romantic and brotherly love. He said outrageous things such as; “Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not get puffed up or pout. Love does not always have to have its own way. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.” (I Corinthians 13)

A flip of the coin. In meditating, I like to look at issues from all sides. To observe what is the direct meaning and also to see what it indirectly inferred. One day in measuring myself by Paul’s love yardstick I noticed two phrases coupled together. “Love is long-suffering” - I had that down to a fine art (I could roll my eyes and sigh deeply and it was so obvious I was suffering in my patience) - “and is kind.”

Give me a break. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I said out loud to God, “Surely You jest! Are You telling me You expect me to be kind to my mother-in-law?!” (Or mate, or boss or neighbor; you fill in the blank.) Another word for love is “charity”. “Charity” is used instead of “love” in that passage in the King James Bible translation. I like that. I find in many incidents that it is easier to be charitable than it is to be loving. Over time I am learning to be kind to the lovely and the unlovely alike. To overlook bad attitudes and respond in kindness to irritants or rudeness or disrespect.

Charity begins at home. Garland and I married forty-four years ago this February 24th. I am humbled by the fact that this guy loves me and keeps on loving me. Opposites attract. Over time, that refreshing opposite way of seeing life from the way you view it becomes stale. Irritating. Wrong.

The hormonal passive love of Eros and Ahab may draw a couple together, but it is the active, on-going, over-and-over choosing to love of Hessedh that keeps a family together. And it is the friendship of Phileo love and the fun-seeking adventure of Stoic love that makes the relationship enjoyable. Valuable. In-it-for-the-long-haul.

Forty-four years and counting. It has been a wonderful, magical ride so far and the road ahead looks promising. Happy Valentines Day, on the fourteenth and everyday.

Memory Boosters

2011-02-03T12:43:00.000-06:00

No matter one’s age, all have periodic memory glitches. Can’t find your keys? Is it that you are losing your mind or that you were preoccupied as you rushed to a task? Stop and refocus. Take a deep breath and mentally retrace your steps. As you designate a home for frequently used items your automatic pilot will put them where they belong.

Reduce the stress. Worry and rushing tax the brain and constricts the ability to think. When you do not have time it becomes imperative that you take time to slow down and relax. Take a minute of quiet meditation to allow mind and body to reconnect. Whatever calms the body also clarifies the mind. It also becomes imperative that you say “No” when it is in your own best interest.

Obtain restful sleep. Lack of sleep hinders concentration and logical thinking. Sleep is the brain’s accounting system, taking information gathered during waking hours and placing it into long-term storage. Sleep categorizes it for easy retrieval. Seven to eight hours per night is recommended for adults and may require a healthy dose of self-love to train yourself to nurture you. Adding just thirty minutes per night on a regular basis can enhance your memory, increase your alertness and improve your overall health.

Do one thing at a time. Multitasking is the enemy of concentration. Answering an e-mail while listening to your mate's problem is not only self-defeating, it is also destroys relationship. Ego makes us think we can juggle many things but research shows we are kidding ourselves. And become less effective in the process. We forget promises made, redo tasks already completed, fail to recall where items are stored, disregard commitments, ignore purpose and neglect self-care. The secret to concentration is elimination.

Be present. Failure to pay attention produces sloppy results. Routine tasks often cause one to go into auto pilot, thus doing things without awareness. This is handy for such things as brushing your teeth but deadly when driving a car. Mindlessness is a contributor to dysfunctional relationships.

Get moving. Physical activity increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain for clearer thinking. An active lifestyle also generates the formation of new neurons and connectors. Although thirty minute spurts three or more times a week is ideal, some is better than none.

Enjoy brain foods. Our bodies need good fuel to produce maximum results. Brain foods include omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, soybeans, flaxseed), antioxidants (berries, green veggies), folate (orange juice, leafy vegetables) and water.

Yes, we are getting older and there is some truth to age affecting memory. Everyone forgets things at times but when it is time to seek professional help? Here are danger signs for you or someone you love:

• consistently forgetting common words or confusing the names of people or things
• one becomes disoriented in familiar surroundings such as your own home or neighborhood
• persistent foggy thinking or trouble concentrating
• difficulty performing common tasks such as grooming or running the microwave
• mood swings, erratic behavior or dramatic personality changes

NEED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: One of America's most interesting motivational speakers can be enjoyed in person in a presentation tailored to your specific need. Whether organizational, business or civic, you will be entertained with her humor, challenged with her gift of uncommon insights, and motivated by her thought provoking poems. Contact Mona at 254-749-6594 or mdunkin@flash.net.

Overcoming Co-Dependency

2011-01-27T12:29:00.000-06:00

Co-dependency came to the forefront in 1979 when counselors began to notice a recurring problem in families after alcoholics became sober. The alcoholic became dependent upon alcohol and, in his/her self-absorption, became progressively less involved in family matters. The family, in their need for things to be “normal”, became dependent upon fixing the alcoholic. The survival techniques reinforced the alcoholic behavior. All members developed unhealthy ways of relating to each other.

Co-dependency is not limited to alcoholic families and is seen in any compulsive/addictive behavior such as workaholic, gambling, sexual behaviors, religious fanatics, overeating, spending addicts, thrill seekers, entertainment junkies, and those with an obsession for control.

Need vs. need. We need each other in healthy interdependent relationships. Because of our need to love and belong, it becomes easy to fall into an unhealthy co-dependent mode.

Dysfunction is spawn in a non-nurturing environment. So much energy is spent being the addict or in surviving the negative atmosphere, that very little mental and emotional energy is available to nurture self, the children, or to meet the needs of other family members.

All are driven to search for wholeness. In doing so doing unhealthy attachments may be formed and one loses her identity in the other person. It is needing others for self-worth. Co-dependency is expecting external factors to fulfill internal needs.

Co-dependency is trying to make others happy at the expense of your own well-being. One may contribute to another’s happiness; he cannot be another’s happiness. Each are self-determining and resent well-meaning intervention. The key to your well-being is in your hands. You have a responsibility to honor your peace of mind. In the process, you become a greater positive influence.

Need for control. Co-dependency is attempting to overcome insecurity by controlling people, events, and things. A child’s first job is to trust. When trust is not formed, he/she seeks to protect, rescue, fix, or take care of others to gain personal security. The behaviors are noble, but the hidden motive is to elicit praise and approval to prove one’s self-worth and value.

People pleasers. A toddler’s job is to conform to the rules of civilized life while developing healthy initiative to be his own person. Failure to find one’s true self is linked to the mistaken beliefs that love, acceptance, worth, security and success is dependent upon doing the right thing. Or being perfect.

Co-dependency is passed from one generation to another. The one with the need to fix, rescue, or take care of will be drawn to one who needs to be fixed, rescued, or taken care of. And visa versa. The result is two empty souls drawn to each other our of compulsive/addictive need, not love or choice. An empty woman drawn to an empty man produces a child from whom they draw love from rather than give nurture to. The child is expected to heal the relationship, but becomes depleted and empty. The empty child believes something is wrong with him or he would be loved.

All will stay empty and co-dependent except for adherence to the AA tenant of “I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.”

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Communication Blocks

2011-01-20T12:24:00.000-06:00

If you think communication is all talking, you haven’t been listening. Communication is the sharing of information or ideas in a manner that is clearly understood by the listener or reader. To become a better communicator, consider the following blocks that may be keys in your projection or in your understanding.

Picture it. We speak in words but think in pictures. If we do not get the picture, we do not get the concept. Because words have different meanings, conflicting pictures are drawn. When I say “cat” what do you see? Is he full grown or small? What color? What setting is he in? What if you had never seen a Kristom Leedom cat (bald and wrinkly) or a Manx with no tail?

Life experiences. The pictures projected in our mind are in direct correlation to one’s life experiences. The mind continually searches your “life history file” for similar smells, tastes, sights, audios or feelings to make a connection. Even when the retrieved data is akin, it does not exactly match the sender’s information because each individual is unique in how situations affect him or her.

The speed bump. We process words faster than understanding. The person giving the information has the whole picture (from his/her point of view). We do not know where the other person is coming from or what picture he/she is seeing. It is like being blindfolded and asked to describe what is placed in your hand. A familiar object, such as a ball, may be readily identified but will still have missing images such as color and size.

Imagination is a factor. There are no gaps in communication because the mind fills in the voids. Fills in with what? Life experiences. Or tries to. The individual with limited life exposure or poor imaging does not have a clue how to fix the problem. He does not understand why he cannot communicate with another so he “gets it”. When the sender cannot communicate with the receiver, he responds negatively, in anger or gives up. “Forget it”. “Why try?” “I’m dumb.”

There is a wide range of imaging ability: very poor, good, excellent or even bizarre. If there were no bizarre imaginations there would be no new inventions or science fiction.

Unkind labels. When the listener does not grasp the picture the sender is intending, there is a block in communication – and even more harmful – labels are attached. He is assumed to not be paying attention. Or she is not listening. Or does not care. Or is dumb. Lazy. Slow learner. Stupid. Oppositional.

What I say, plus what you hear. What does it equal? What I have said? What you have heard? Neither? Where is the break down? With the receiver? With the sender? Both? If your message is not getting across, spend time thinking and learning how better to express yourself. If you are not receiving information well, spend time thinking and learning how to be more understanding and patient and develop empathy. The relationship is worth the effort.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Simple Speech and Persuasion Skills

2011-01-13T12:06:00.000-06:00

Public speaking is reported as being the number one fear. It even ranks above the fear of death. Allow these tips to make all your presentations more pleasant for you – and your audience will love you.

Choose a vivid vocabulary. Paint motivational pictures with your words. Use words that add color, smell, action, dimension and emotion. Use a thesaurus to develop a wide array for action words and bold descriptions. Do not use offensive language or situations that would make your audience uncomfortable.

Practice eloquent enunciations. Words and grammar go together. Use proper verb tense, correct sentence structure and accurate usage of words. Speak clearly and do not slur; refrain from using slang. Your listener will become irritated if he cannot understand your words. Employ complete word endings such as ing, o, ed and day as in going, talking, pillow, tomato, attacked, foraged, Tuesday, yesterday. Do not transpose letters in pronunciation; it is perspire, not prespire.

Look for opportunities to incorporate humor. Use puns or a play-on-words, exaggerate, down play, irony, satire, absurdity, a good story or take an unexpected turn. Use pauses for emphasis. Allow time for the listener to respond. Laugh at yourself and with others. Use self-depreciating humor sparingly; too much is uncomfortable to the listener.

Add variety through dialogue, accents, mimicry or dramatization. Employ questions, quotations or a good story. Give an anecdote or shocking statement

Watch your timing, both in delivery and in time frame allotted by the program. Get to the point and do not beat around the bush.

Formulate a strong conclusion. Summarize the main points and reaffirm the purpose. Offer a call to action. Give a challenge for the client to buy, join, support or follow your ideas. Leave them wanting more.

Enjoy the presentation. Make the message YOUR message. If you have a good time, your audience will too. Be open and honest, people can spot a phony.

Using Visual Aids. Visual aids are a great way to increase understanding and memory of the subject matter. Determine what visual aids will enhance your presentation and how deft you are in using them—go with what works for you (power-point, graphs, whiteboard, flip charts, audio, video, props, costumes). Check beforehand that all props are in working order and are properly placed. Practice until you can handle the aid smoothly and with confidence. Do not allow the visual aid to keep you from making personal contact with the audience. End your speech completely and wait for the audience response before you begin to remove items.

Microphone Techniques. If a handheld, hold the microphone parallel to the floor with your hand to the side of your face and speak directly into the top of the microphone. If on a stand, adjust to the proper height and slant from the side and speak directly into the top. Give enough space between the mike and your lips so you do not spit or breath heavily into it. Speak in your natural voice with an even tempo and at conversation level of loudness.

Conversation is speech making also. Use these principles in day to day interaction and the great presentation will become second nature.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Breaking Bad Habits

2011-01-06T11:55:00.000-06:00

A New Year is a great time to form new habits. Habits cause us to do things automatically without aforethought. Many habits contribute to our well-being and make us more proficient. The key is to be aware of habits that have become destructive and the mindless routine in which they are engaged. Such as: mindless eating, mindless time wasting, mindless complaining, mindless spending and mindless angering.

The bad news: Bad habits take on a life of their own and seem impossible to break.
The good news: Old habits can be broken.

Better news: All habits are formed by routine. Change in routine indirectly changes habits.
Actions are formed based on what one believes. When those actions are fostered by the environment they become a habitual way of living. The action compounded by years of repetition becomes a steel girder not easily unchained.

The formula: Belief + Environment x Repetition = Habit.

Stop by starting. Life abhors a vacuum so stop by starting a new behavior. The focus on quitting creates a void and your mind or body does not know what to do. Replace non-productive habits with exciting new endeavors. What do you enjoy doing? Find your joy and dive in with utter abandonment.

Life is filled with choices. These choices include the attitude you project, the words you use, the people with whom you engage, the way you spend your money, your facial expressions, your tone of voice, the pace of your step. How would your life change with a slight adjustment in any one of these areas? A spring in the step can energize the mind and spirit to act and think differently.

Make quality choices by asking quality questions. What do you want? What do you really want? What are you doing to get it? Is it working for you? How is it working? What one thing could you do differently?

Give yourself permission to change. It is okay to get well. It is okay to do what works for you. When your contemplation reveals an action that is not working for you, give yourself permission to stop. Give yourself permission to start in another direction. Engage in new energy producing activities.

Determine who you really are. You establish who you are by deciding who you are not. Decide and speak it out loud to yourself and to others. Once you establish that you are not a lazy person, taking action becomes easier. To ascertain that you are not a grump, frees you to be more pleasant. When you conclude you are not a smokestack, you long to breathe fresh air and to smell clean. Once you uncover that you are not fat (regardless of the evidence against you), you are freer to choose foods that will support that fact. And mentioning it to others, they will help hold you accountable.

Change does not have to take for ever. The highway to our community was improved by straighten it and widened it. D.O.T. frequent posted notices of “change of traffic pattern” as the vehicles were directed onto the newly finished construction, then back to the old part, and back and forth. The changes quickly became normal and it was difficult to remember where the original road had been. Change and feel good about it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

An Attitude of Gratitude

2011-01-05T13:02:00.001-06:00

It was the beginning of a new year and John Kralik saw nothing to look forward to. He was divorced, had strained relationships, a failing business and deep in debt. Desperate and alone, he hiked in the Angeles National Forest, Pasadena, CA. He took a wrong turn and became completely lost. It was just him and his self-condemning thoughts.

In the midst of his pity party, he heard a voice: "Until you learn to be grateful for the things you have," it said, "you will not receive the things you want."

Lamenting over former days of friends and family he surprised himself with his resolution. He decided to write a “thank you” note every day of the incoming year. Two years later, he credits that decision as being, “The year a simple act of gratitude changed my life.” John Kralik’s book, 365 Thank Yous, is a collection of the notes he wrote. (Hyperion)

Initially John’s notes were for gifts received or kindnesses expressed to him. He expanded it to remembering old friends and reconnecting with long-neglected family members.

Being thankful is a simple, yet profound act. Many times one voices “I have so much to be thankful for”, yet fails to enumerate the blessings, thus rendering the appreciation doubtful; as words spoken from rote rather than sincere gratification.

As a new year begins, take time to count and recount your blessings. Start with being thankful for your own life and the talents you have been given. A thankful attitude alone will mysteriously open doors previously closed.

See the people in your life with fresh vision. Look for actions and attitudes that are admirable rather than dwelling on the irritating qualities. Clean out those heavy things that weigh you down; things like unforgiveness, grudges, resentment and anger.

See potential benefit regardless of current circumstances. Things can change in the blink of an eye – from bad to good or from good to bad – and thankfulness makes every transition more gracious.

To date, John Kralik estimates he has written over 640 thank you notes. The resolution has become such a part of his nature he sees it as continuing indefinitely. May that become your legacy also.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Becoming Balanced

2010-12-29T12:35:00.001-06:00

A new year filled with new possibilities lends itself to seeking the age-old dilemma of becoming balanced; how to find it and how to keep it. The truth is, there is no magic formula of 8 hours work, 8 hours sleep, 4 hours family time, 4 hours personal time, etc. As much as one might like neatly pocketed time slots and agendas, the real world does not work that way.

The way we see our outer world is a symptom of what is going on inside. Evaluate: What do you feel deprived of? What is your level of appreciation for the ordinary? How is your life out of sync? What are you really searching for? What expectations are too high or too low?

How to walk a tight wire. Like a trapeze artist or a bicycle rider, balance knows when to lean left or right - and how much - while continuing to move forward. With a little lean, you adjust and regain equilibrium. If you over-correct and crash, get back in the game with a renewed commitment to balance.

Do not allow work to control you. The just-one-more-thing syndrome will keep you bound to work; often at the sacrifice of family and health. Do not allow the seduction of ambition to distract you from what is truly important.

How do you eat an elephant? An elephant is too big to be consumed in one setting. Not only is it to be eaten “one bite at a time”, but also with lapses for processing, digesting and elimination. The large carcass may need to be shared with others and some may need to be frozen for another time.

Do not expect easy. Most tasks have a learning curve, so give yourself room to grow. This goes for relationships also. Give you room to grow. Give them room to grow. Make the focus and intention on growing together, not apart.

Make routine your friend. Author Michael Gerber says “the solution is in the system”. A well-reviewed accounting system keeps the books in balance. A well-planned and executed schedule keeps life in flow. Continually reviewed priorities keep first-things-first. A running list of to-do’s keep you on track and the joy of marking off a task add to the feeling of accomplishment. .

If you assign the same priority to everything then you feel overwhelmed. Balance is making plans in keeping with your priorities and adjusting along the way. Balance is doing what needs to be done within an acceptable time frame. A key factor is to know what to focus on and when.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

For Auld Lang Syne

2010-12-27T11:29:00.000-06:00

New Years celebrations. One has probably attempted to sing Auld Lang Syne even if not knowing the words or the meaning. Basically, the song is an encouragement to remember – nay – to rekindle long ago relationships. The melancholy tune draws us into the sentimental moment. But it takes more than sentiment to prepare one’s heart to mend the past.

Life is fraught with misunderstandings. The details are less important than the resulting consequences. Once we settle into satisfying way to meet a need, it becomes difficult to change. When seen as “her/his fault”, then you think she needs to change. When one sees self as being right, he crosses the line into being the one who makes the offender change. When you demand someone to change to please you, the line is crossed into controlling. And the relationship suffers. Becomes fragmented. Strained.

Close yet far. The song speaks of once scaling mountains together and picking daisies, but now are distant weary travelers. Relationship tension knows no bounds. You can be close in proximity yet remote. Conversely, you can be thousands of miles apart, yet hold the offender in close disdain. Even death does not remove the discord.

God I’ve got a problem: It’s me. When I have been at odds with people, marriage, work or churches, God's all-encompassing wisdom to me has been: "Go and I will bless you. Stay and I will bless you. Go and you will have problems. Stay and you will have problems."

I take this to mean that I am a part of the problem as well as a part of the solution. But it takes work from all involved for there to be an amiable solution. Unfortunately, too many seek quick answers from their individual point of view.

Life is fair; whether we agree or not. There is a Master bookkeeper. Ultimately, whatever you plant, on purpose or by default, is what you receive.

Do it for kindness sake. “And there’s a hand my trusty friend! And give us a hand o’ thine! …We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.” For days of long ago. Be the initiator. Choose to forgive and extend compassion. Whether received or not, it will set you free. It allows you, as well as the departed, to rest in peace.

As you let go of pain or grudges you are elevated to new heights. You can enter the new-year with thoughtful benevolence for days of long ago and anticipation of today and the future. (Auld Lang Syne, Robert Burns’ Scotts version of James Watson’s poem, 1711)

Dreaming of a White Christmas

2010-12-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

The Christmas Story is filled with angels, dreams and interpretations. That phenonemon was not just for long-ago and is still prevelent for us today.

The dream center. Our conscious awake mind takes in information and responds. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge. Researchers believe that sleep is not only good for our physical health but also for our mental well-being.

Stages of sleep. In the process of falling asleep breathing and pulse slows and muscles relax. The brain waves are regular and the body can be easily awakened. In deep sleep the brain waves slow down with occasional spikes depending on surrounding noise or interference. In the deepest sleep, known as REM or rapid-eye-movement, the brain stem releases chemicals and fires electrical signals. The muscles are so relaxed the body is virtually paralyzed.

During REM is when dreams occurr. Scientific research reveals that everyone dreams every night, whether remembered or not. During REM sleep chemicals go all parts of the brain gathering a mix of visual images and emotional feelings and coalescing them into a dream that has elements of both the real and the bizarre.

Train yourself. You can remember and benefit from your dreams but it may take time to train yourself. Put you to bed, quiet your breathing and deliberately turn off your mind’s rehearsal of the day’s events or tomorrow’s worries. Tell yourself that you will remember your dream upon awakening. Learn to wake naturally, without an alarm.

Write it down. Up on awakening, continue to lie still and concentrate on remembering your dream. Keep a pad and pencil by your bedside and immediately jot down the dream exactly as you remember it. Do not embellish and do not edit.

Think on it. At off moments during the day, reflect on your dream for insights. Was it meaningful or simply entertainment? Embrace success and look forward to more.

An example. I had a recurring dream of various meetings and demands made on me. Mixed up with all this was a nagging that I had lost a library book and a huge fine was awaiting. Upon awaking I was puzzled. The thing that stood out the most was the library book. It made no sense since I prefer to own the books I read.

My interpretation. I began to reflect upon the last time I had visited a library. Then I remembered having called several bookstores and the library trying to find a certain book for a client. The library had it and put it aside, in my name, to be picked up. I gave the information to my client. He never went. Consciously I dismissed it. Unconsciously my name was on the line. Once the problem came to light a solution was formulated.

Science gives validity to Mom’s advice to “sleep on it”. The function of the unconscious mind is to protect you. When you have a decision to make or a problem to solve, your mind works over-time - day and night - to honor you. Sleep allows the brain to rearranges recent memories, a process that can lead to insight and new knowledge.

Sweet dreams.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Holiday Perspectives

2010-12-02T10:44:00.001-06:00

“The incarnation of the Son of God emphasizes the great dignity of
human nature, and reveals the value of every human being ….” Pope John Paul II

Advent is a season pregnant with what is to come. It allows us to participate in sacred history as we reflect on ancient truth and future hope. Christmas affords a time to prepare our hearts to receive again a baby who has already been born. A time to understand the four hundred year silence and anticipate the promised Savior. Advent prepares us to receive Christ anew into our lives, refreshing and restoring our faith.

Newcaster Paul Harvey told a story of a man who was synical about the Christmas story. One bitter Christmas eve the man’s family went to the local church to worship while he sat alone in front of a warm fireplace. The drapes on the picture window were open to reveal the tree lights inside. The man was startled by a crashing sound against the plate glass.

Going outside he found a little bird dead in the snow. Apparently the bird was attempting to fly in to the warm room and met his fate against the window. The man looked around at other birds shivering in the cold. He had an idea.

He opened the garage door so the birds could fly inside and be sheltered from the blustery, icy winds. He waited. The birds did not come in. He beaconed to them. They did not come. He sprinkled bird food from outside leading into the garage. Still, the birds did not come.

He thought, “If some how I could just become a bird for a few minutes, I would fly among them, chirp their language and then show them the garage is a safe haven.”

As the man was thinking these thoughts the Christmas bells chimed to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. He fell to his knees. “Dear God, now I understand. You spoke from heaven and the people thought it was thunder. You sent prophets and they still did not heed. You had to become man to show the way.”

The more I think of this story, the more real the incarnation becomes. If the man could have become a bird, he would have retained his human thinking, while being limited to the language and abilities of a bird. In like manner, Jesus incarnated as a human being, and while retaining his Godly knowledge and omniscience, lived on earth for thirty-three years with the limitations of humanity.

Religion is man’s reach for God. Christmas is God’s reach for man.

The Perpetual Problem

2010-10-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

“OMG! The whole world has gone crazy? Everyone is out of step except me and you and I’m not so sure about you.” Do you identify?

The world in which we live is huge and diverse even though technology is shrinking the distance and empowering earth’s citizens. Increasing interaction intensifies awareness of cultural commonalities and differences, thus increased tension along cultural fault-lines. The result is a perpetual love/hate relationship.

What is culture and how is it determined? How are beliefs about culture formed? Ones beliefs, behaviors, values and attitudes were originally shaped by parents or teachers or those who were important to us. We accepted them without question. We identified. This lifestyle is passed from one generation to another and impacts character in predictable ways.

Unfortunately, for every group in the world, there exists at least one offensive, derogatory word meant to belittle. Just ask Archie Bunker.

Perhaps this is born out of fear.

Human nature has a tendency to be against the unfamiliar. Either side of the color-blind issue lends to our crazy world in damaging ways. Lumping individual factions into group identity is a gross over-simplification. Failure to recognize, appreciate and honor differences is a human injustice. Both over looks the uniqueness of the individual.

Who we are - or who we think we are at the moment - is reflected by identifiers such as manner of dress (dapper or saggin’), cuisine favored, housing style chosen and lifestyle embraced. How does one become more embracing of diversity?

Change in any area comes through something that tweaks our perception. That something is broad and can be major or minor. Here are thoughts to consider.

Individuals are personally accountable for what they believe and corresponding actions.
Life is about relationships. The relationship of one individual interacting with other individuals, either one-on-one or in a group of individuals.
Acknowledge the possibility of the individual (self-included) being unduly influenced by social forces (i.e. laws, employment practices, social segregation).
Blanket coverage for solutions engenders the perpetual problem (zero tolerance).
Change comes one mind and one heart at a time.
Culture/race matters significantly. None are exempt.
Graciously speak up, one person, one situation at a time. You never know who you may influence to question their current perception.
We are all fellow strugglers.

I have more questions than insights (and no answers). Answers denotes being right; insight gives lee-way to wisdom and compassion.

What is accepted today or even seen as honorable is subject to change with time, knowledge, experience and relationships. As the humanity of each individual is valued, the perpetual problem is less persistent.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Thoughts on Becoming Resilient

2010-10-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Millions are hurt and homeless through natural disasters such as earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and tornados. Multitudes are harmed with devastating human conflict like wars, crime, accidents, divorce and death of loved ones. These things disrupt life, as we know it.

Yet in spite of all these tragedies, many bounce back to healthy productive lifestyles, some even to the betterment of themselves and the world. Perhaps the secret is being resilient; of developing the ability to recover. Resiliency is to be flexible, hardy in spiritual constitution and adaptable. Similar to grace, resiliency may not be apparent until you need it.

Resiliency is the opposite of resignation. Do not deny the events just do not be defeated by it. Fall apart and then gather resolve to get back together. Appreciate that you are alive to see the sun come up tomorrow. Mourn and move past rather than getting stuck. Make a conscious decision to rise above.

Draw strength from your Higher Power. Recognize the Divine and receive an undeniable comfort in the midst of an incomprehensible situation. In spite of devastation, find inner peace in the simple reality that planet earth continues to revolve and day and night will go on.

Look at what happened rather than asking why. Reviewing the whys of life keep you trapped even when the answers may be forthcoming. Stressing or angering over the whys prevents one from accepting what is. Focus on what did happen and what can be done to rebuild.
Suppose your home was destroyed. Everyone was safe but the structure was reduced to rubble.

One may ask “why” and find a modicum of relief in the answer, but the house is still in ruins. Knowing the reason why did not reverse the situation nor does it free your mind to problem solve solutions.

Asking “what”, on the other hand, not only lends to finding the cause, it also releases creative energy to reconstruct with an eye toward prevention of it happening again.

It’s all about attitude. During the devastation of Katrina, a displaced family was huddled with hundreds in the Astrodome. Despite makeshift beds and Salvation Army meals, they had each other. One child saw reality beyond the trauma; “Oh, we have a home, we just don’t have a house to put it in.”

Find balance by willingly receiving aide from others, strangers as well as family, and by reaching out to others. You are not in this alone. There are those who care and wish to help, whether through material supplies, manual labor, or love and understanding. There are those that need something from you; possibly your insight, your smile, your hug or encouragement from you.

Look for the silver lining in the dark storm clouds. Blow like a tree in the wind that bends, but does not break. It bounces back to grow and produce fruit.

Concerning those who thrive despite tragedies, Dr. Steven M. Southwick, profess of psychiatry at Yale University School of Medicine sees them as having “post-traumatic-growth-syndrome”. May that be your legacy.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Benefits of Getting Your Z's

2010-10-06T16:36:00.000-05:00

Every parent knows that a cranky child is more pleasant after her “beauty sleep”. It works for adults too. If your life has become so busy that you have decided to give up on sleep, please reconsider. There are numerous benefits. Here area few.

Sleep aids in the processing of emotions. REM is when sleep experts say dreaming takes place. Supposedly we start by reviewing the events of the day and trying to make sense of them. Thus the right-brain/left-brain battle brings on some weird images or nightmares. As the night progresses these issues are settled and dreams become more positive, going into the realm of problem solving and goal setting type of daydreaming. What a shame to get too few hours sleep and miss out on this beneficial imagery.

Sleep helps to balance perspectives. Research says that because of the right-brain, left-brain switch over during sleep, one’s dream state gives more input and creativity than one’s awakened state. Also, in the relaxation of sleep, the intuitive side willingly receives new insight from the logical side.

The old recommendation to “sleep on it” bears a lot of truth. While your body is being reset through the restful mechanics of sleep, the mind is fully active, exploring through buried files unhindered by conscious thought. The engaged mind reviews and sorts and categorizes and comes to conclusions. Even though it happens frequently, I am still impressed when I awaken with the answer to last night’s cross-word puzzler.

Sleep helps elongates short term memory. Harvard University studies taken from different angles, has impressive research showing sleep improves information storage. Students that study intensely followed by sleep then awaken to testing, scored consistently higher than students who studied intently then immediately was tested while “it was still fresh on their mind.” There is something mysterious about sleeping that allows the mind to better understand information, associate it with prior knowledge, store it and easily retrieve it later.

Experts say the amount of regular sleep effects one’s overall weight. Too little restful sleep the more pounds on the frame and the more difficulty in losing weight.

Sleep resets our systems. As a person who functioned well on only a few hours of sleep, I was reluctant to stay abed longer. All of these benefits have been motivators to me to and have definitely improved my life and health. It may take a while to learn new sleep habits and it is well worth the effort.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Growing Into the Goal

2010-09-01T16:39:00.002-05:00

Just as the goal of a ballgame is to score points, there are other strategies involved to get to that end. Scoring one point is not the end result, but to score again and again and again.

To make goal setting and attainment less overpowering, use this simple formula.

1. Have an idea, either original or improvement of an existing product/service.

2. Incorporate strategies of how to turn those ideas into a reality.

3. Take steps, one after another, for implementation.

4. Develop discipline to keep on keeping on.

Of necessity, a goal must include a personality change. You do not attract what you want, but you attract what you are - thus far. To grow into the goal is to develop new attitudes and actions. Change comes not with planning alone, but with a new mind-set and exploits.

Perhaps an attitude change is the most imperative. How do you view yourself? As self-employed or as an entrepreneur? The self-employed individual hires self to do all the work, whereas an entrepreneur hires self to provide a service or product and to produce jobs for others.

The mind-set of being a job-developer changes the shift to grow into.

Spend a few minutes and write down a minimum of five personality changes needed for you to grow into your goals. Some examples are:

Healthy lifestyle of quality eating and quality movement (as opposed to the dreaded diet and exercise)
Develop an abundance mentality. Picture people being willing to pay you for your services and products.
Appreciate the wisdom of life lessons and overcome self-imposed limitations.
Consistently focus on top priorities.
Say “No” when it is in your own best interest and feel good about it.
Overcome limiting beliefs regarding your education, or skills, or people skills.

You can set a goal but you cannot do a goal. Setting is a passive endeavor; accomplishment requires action. After formulating the blueprint, it is activities (and personality change) that moves you to your goals.

We are complicated individuals of mind, emotions and will. It is with the mind that one thinks about the issues of life; consider, weights and measures. It is with the emotions that one feels the issues of life; happy, sad, angry, excited. It is with the will that one decides about the issues of life; says “Yes” or “No” to opportunities, “Yes” or “No” to temptations, “Yes"s” or “No” to challenges.

Procrastinate and think about your goals, or get in the game and do something about them. The choice is up to you and what you will yourself to do.
　
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Life Tensions

2010-08-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

Some tension is necessary for good mental health. Good tension represents the gap between what one has achieved and what he has yet to achieve. It is the difference between where one is and where she is aiming to be. Allowing the challenge to “be all that you can be” stimulates one from latent potential to actual meaning.

In architecture, to strengthen an arch, more weight is put on top to force the parts to join together into a stronger, cohesive whole. Positive stress creates healthy tension that re-orientates one toward the “will to meaning”, thus giving equilibrium to life. Too much tension is harmful to one’s body and mental health.

Reset a faulty stress monitor. All human beings are equipped with biological machinery for handling stress. Stress is endemic based on the “fight or flight” concept. Everyone has a built-in gauge that self-regulates. To panic when one encounters a bear in his path is one thing; to go to pieces when there is no milk is quite another. Like a set-point in an over-charged battery, when stress is activated unnecessarily, the body’s reactive system stays revved up and life becomes a continual crises. The response system reserved for a life-threatening event is unleashed to the boiling point over trivial matters.

Like begets like. We are creatures of learned behavior. The inability to handle stressful situations results in the inability to handle minor annoyances. This unstable environment sensitizes impressionable children to follow reactionary patterns. Losing control of yourself may have occurred before you were old enough to prevent it yourself. But you are not a child anymore. The window of change is yours through information.

It’s Never Too Late. Although the way you handle stress today may have been influenced by a non-nurturing environment, it is never too late to make a conscious decision to change. In order to function one may suppresses the activating event but the emotional outworking continues until the issue is consciously resolved. We have to be connected to the emotion in order to change it.

Start with a deep breath, hold for three seconds and slowly force the air out through your lips. Repeat, saying to yourself: “I breathe in peace and release anxiety.” In the calmness open your mental data-base where the source of the trauma exists.

As you review the emotion in a detached state, you are in position to make a life changing conscious shift; to truly allow bygones to be bygones. You become equipped to live in the now and grow into whom you were created to be.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Making Changes

2010-08-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

Change is inevitible. It happens all the time in big and small ways. Sometimes change is stressful; sometimes it is energizing. Here are thoughts on being empower to make positive life-altering changes.

Replace “should’s” with choices. Instead of saying “I should do so and so” change it to either “I want…” or “I could ….” Better yet, get in the habit of knowing your actions are choices so state your intentions assertively. “I choose to do so and so.” “I choose not to do so and so.” That is impowering. You are in the driver’s seat following your own road map and intentions, even when giving in to the suggestions of another.

Identify fears. Our emotions keep tabs of past failures. What have you tried before that has not turned out as successful as you planned? That was then and this is now. You have more skills now and more information now and more patience now. You have resources at your disposal now you either did not have then or did not choose to access. Face the fear head on and show it you are choosing to overcome. Allow your emotions to have success feelings to grab onto. It’s contagious.

It’s so easy… yea, yea, yea. Seeing a task as a big deal is only a big deal when you make it a big deal. Tell yourself aloud, “I can do this.” “I am up to the challenge.” “It’s easy.” So it is your choice. You can see it as difficult or impossible or, you can see it as a challenge, an opportunity to learn and improve skills. That is not to say it will be a piece of cake. But that it is doable and attitude is a big deal in the outcome.

Be your own best friend. How many times do you encourage family, friends or co-workers? How many times do you encourage you? Quit beating up on yourself. It does absolutely no good. Even if your performance was less than stellar, you are still a person of infinite worth and value with gifts and talents to offer that will bless self and others. Take your new best friend (you) by the hand and encourage her/him to discover new strengths, new skills, new attitudes and new outcomes. You can do it.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing. Today matters. Everything you do matters. Prepare for the big stage by practicing your lines. Lines like, “I am getting better and better and better.” “I don’t know how we will make it until payday, but I’ll find a way.” I (insert name) am so grateful for my wonderful family.” “I appreciate my job and co-workers.” Speaking a positive outcome into existence plays a major role in bringing it into reality. If the relationship does not improve today, then it is in readiness for tomorrow. God spoke the world into existence; in a major way, we do too. Keep rehearsing a pleasant world with your words and find yourself living it.

Change is an inside job. Choose to sit with your eyes closed and visualize the above-mentioned changes. Go inside your mind, heart and emotions and start the process. Choose to repeat this exercise two or three time a week. And be amazed.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Common Errors of Dogma

2010-08-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

A person can be seen as difficult when he continues to act upon a belief that once worked for him. Life becomes harder and relationships more complicated, yet he refuses to investigate different venues. In spite of a changing technological universe and scientific discoveries, he holds own to his core beliefs and behaviors. Here are some common belief errors that result in dogma.

Using theories as facts: whether personal or professional. Sigmund Freud published his Id, Ego and Super-ego theory as fact. As soon as it was in print, his partners – Carl Jung and Alfred Adler – took opposing views. They each came up with their own theory. Many people have taken as these theories as fact. And so the ruse continues. A person may have some of the truth, but not necessarily all of the truth.

The refusal to acknowledge new discoveries. Many continued to belief that the world was flat even after Christopher Columbus proved the theory wrong. Some postulated the earth as the center of the universe, after Galileo and telescopes proved that the sun, and not the earth, was the central qualifier of the cosmos. A hermit may refuse to believe there is electricity.

Citing an authority figure as absolute. The nurturing of home and the companionship of peers can be wonderful. Beliefs such as “My mother/father/pastor/teacher/boss/friend said it and so it is so!” Error is error regardless of who espouses against it. Conversely truth is truth regardless of who denies it. Truth need not be defended.

Going with the flow. “Can a million people be wrong?” Yes, they can. This argument appeals to the sheep mentality of blindly follow a leader or creed. Thinking as a group is dangerous. Truth easily becomes watered down. Groups are more immoral than individuals. Think things through: become your own person in charge of your own mind and choices.

The more we have communication devices, the less we communicate. Listening to devices and/or multi-tasking make us double-minded and unstable. It puts us in constant partial attention. The stress associated with lack of focus lends to a sense of constant crises. It fosters a lack of commitment. Constant access to everyone makes you inaccessible to what really matters.

Failure to think it through. People often speak dogmatic non-truths because of impulsive responses or lack of thinking. They speak too hastily or answer too quickly. Think before you speak in order to avoid non-truths.

Value the dogmatic people in your life and respond to them gently. Every encounter between two people involves both people. The breakdown in relationship is always communication. When the talking, understanding and caring stops, the relationships is imperiled. Care enough to respectfully counter the dogma with something like, “Really? I don’t see it that way.” Suggest a news article to them or watch the discovery channel together. Allow the person to change his mind.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach.
Contact her for your next event: mona@solutionprinciples.com

Reprogramming the Stressed Mind

2010-07-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

We think in pictures whether aware of it or not. Whatever is manifested in the mind, the body mechanisms goes into effect to bring it into reality. For example, when you want to raise from a chair the brain takes that mind-picture and releases chemicals for the body to comply, thus muscles contract and energy is released to propel upward movement.

The mind body connection. The mind does not know the difference from what is perceived and what is reality. The body adjusts to perception. Suppose you are frightened of tarantulas and some prankster throws one on you. After you scream, run or possibly recover from a faint, you discover the spider is rubber. Your body responded according to what your mind perceived.

Belief drives behavior. Behavior consists of the thoughts one thinks, the actions taken, the emotions felt and the way the body responds. These four components work in tandem and cannot be separated one from the other. When the conscious mind is continually engaged in fighting for one’s rights or in running away from circumstances, the body remains in a constant state of stress.

Take inventory of your negative beliefs. Listen to your self talk. If it is filled with statements such as "I can't" or "I don't have", or “I’m not worthy of”, then you have limiting beliefs that render stress in the body. Why is the body stressed? Because deep down inside the unconscious mind knows the reality of “You can”, “Resources are available to you” and “You have so much worth and value and are deserving of good things.”

Awareness does not change habits. Information enlightens but does not necessarily heal. It takes calm reflection for insights to sink in and take root, thereby blooming into peace and healthier relationships. Choose to sit quietly for a few minutes each day. Take in a deep breath and hold for three seconds, focus on sending the oxygen to the tense muscles. Slowly release your breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Take in another deep life-giving breath and see it as the self-evident reality that you matter. Hold the breath for three seconds as an embrace of thanksgiving for your life. Slowly exhale through pursed lips and deliberately force out negative programming.

The mind cannot hold two opposing ideas at the same time. That is why arguing with you over pros and cons “drives you crazy”. You are not coming to a conclusion but are going around and around in dizzying circles. Take inventory of your many abilities and resources. Deliberately focus on what abundance you do have. It is interesting how things change when you change.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Complain No More: The Power of Appreciation

2010-07-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. Hamlet, Shakespeare

We create our own meaning from life experiences. If Shakespear was right, then we give meaning to our life incidents. Since we do give them meaning, we can decide to reframe the situation to improve our quality world.

To be little is to be little. Complaining about even the most inept mate or boss makes you look worse than they. It is ineffective and brings no resolve.

Incorporate Grace. Taking an arrogant stance makes it difficult to be gracious when proven wrong – and there is always a margin for error.

Keep a complaint log. Make yourself aware of the frequency of your complaints by writing them down instead of speaking them. Not only would the silence improve the relationship, but it would also show you what a time waster complaining is. In time, you will see how petty complaining is.

Make a decision. Habits do not change by chance. Get honest about your habit of criticizing and make a conscious decision to quit. If necessary, literally bite your tongue to keep from speaking. In the long run, you will see positive results.

Be a good finder. Search to see how there could possibly be a positive outcome and focus on that. Ask yourself: “What good will my complaining do?” “Does complaining help my relationships?” “Does critizing draw people to me?”

Develop appreciation. Daily make a list of five things for which you are thankful. Continue for thirty days without repeating an item. This exercise forces you to look deep and see meaning in life and relationships. Get in touch with what you truly value and be motivated by your deepest beliefs. It helps you see the big picture. When you focus on an individual’s good qualities, you are more lenient with their flaws.

Feel the maturity level rise. Discover the wisdom of overlooking small indiscretions. Love covers a multitude of sins. Live with a gracious attitude of forgiving whether asked for it or not.

Anything that appreciates goes up in value. As you appreciate self and others the need to complain diminishes. Nurture self. The irony is - self-nurture leads to self-esteem that leads to being selfless. As one becomes less focused on self, he is not easily offended thus complaints subside.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

How to Change Your Attitude

2010-06-30T17:12:00.000-05:00

Dr. Laura’s theme song shouts, “Get a new attitude.” Can a negative thinker refocus and become more positive? From personal experience as well as the progress of my clients, I believe it is possible to change one’s outlook. Here are suggestions for the transformation from negative to positive.

Reason your way out of negativity. Reevaluate your assumptions. How many times have you looked for the worse and it did not happen? Things actually turned out okay. Were you dismayed or thankful? Keep track of your inaccurate downer predictions. Be thankful for being wrong. Be thankful for being right but still surviving.

Develop new pictures. We think in pictures and unconsciously replay the mind’s photo album. Force yourself to conjure up positive scenarios. Instead of projecting what could go wrong, focus on what is right. When things are less than perfect, use your pre-disposed downer attitude to see how bad it could have been. Be thankful things are as good as they are.

Acknowledge lack of control. Misery comes from the failure to accept what is. Concede to those things over which you have no control or little control. Things like another person, the weather, the stock market, down turn in the economy, war, crime, loss, tragedies…. If you cannot do anything about it anyway, why fret. Through the intentional development of a positive view you put yourself in a position to become a problem solver, an encourager or a helpful influence.

Do what comes unnaturally. Go against the grain and choose to do what does not come naturally. In routine situations where you would normally spout criticism, pause to deliberately keep your mouth shut and to intentionally - with conscious effort – look for something good. This implies work, focus and resolve. Be persistent and do not give up.
Become positive in seeing the positive.

Be aware. Notice how a positive attitude will serve you well. In frustrating situations ask yourself the following questions. Deep thinking about these questions will help you find solutions and peace and improved relationships all around - with you and others.

What do I want?
What do I really want?
What are you doing to get what you really want?
Is it working?
Is it really working?
What makes it work?
Why is it not working?
Where is the locus of control?

Give change time. All skills have a learning curve. Be persistent and do not give up.
A client remarked one day, “I’ve changed, but I don’t know when it happened.”

When you decide to consciously realign your thought habits, things take on a different perspective. Keep on keeping on until your new overcoming attitude comes naturally who you are.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Changing Times and Theories

2010-06-21T16:28:00.002-05:00

Although there is “nothing new under the sun”, recent scientific discoveries confirm some long held theories. One such is the science of Epigenetics. This forty-plus year field of study is current headline news and magazine articles.

The research is proving that our genes are not so hard-wired after all. The genes literally change depending upon how our bodies respond (react) to the events and environs around us.

According to Bruce Lipton, a leading voice of Epigenetics, every gene in our body can be modified by “our perceptions, thoughts and response to events.”

Actually we have been doing this all along, only we did not know it. How? Adreneline.

Adrenaline surge propels heroic acts or the parasympathetic glands that slows us down to comatose - depending on what is needed. If one sees himself controlled by outside forces, he/she becomes a victim of circumstances. Gives in. Settles. Surrenders. Resigns to “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it. I was born this way.”

Only we have more control over our lives than we may be willing to take responsibility for.

So why is change difficult? It goes back to the wonder-years when we were young and programmable: perceptions were immature, thoughts were creative and responses to events were childish. These early influences shaped our world-view both positive and negative. And they are hard to give up, even when we want to.

Compare it to losing weight. How does an obese body full of sugar-craving genes change into a lean health machine? It happens through changed perceptions about food and its function - from nurture to nutrition. It happens through revised thinking about health and the value of unclogged arteries. It happens through the body’s (genes) natural response to exerting more energy than consumption. Cells continually adjust. As the fat cells change, so does the body and so does the thinking and so does the emotions.

Perception and thinking come primarily from the brain. The brain wants to protect the body so it releases chemicals in response to the environment. As one changes how he responds to any given situation, the body’s chemical composition changes. The brain releases one chemical combination when a person becomes angry and another chemical combination when that sane person becomes calm.

Which chemicals do you want released in your body? Change your perception of the stressful event and the cells change.

Our fate is not totally in our genes. It has a lot to do with the day-to-day dynamics of how we respond to life. What we believe switches the genes mechanics “on” and “off”. As a man thinks in his heart so is he - or so he becomes. Physically as well as all the other “llys” - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially. Give it some thought.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Changing Times and Theories

2010-06-21T16:16:00.001-05:00

Although there is “nothing new under the sun”, recent scientific discoveries confirm some long held theories. One such is the science of Epigenetics. This forty-plus year field of study is current headline news and magazine articles. The research is proving that our genes are not so hard-wired after all. The genes literally change depending upon how our bodies respond (react) to the events and environs around us.

According to Bruce Lipton, a leading voice of Epigenetics, every gene in our body can be modified by “our perceptions, thoughts and response to events.”

Actually we have been doing this all along, only we did not know it. How? Through adrenaline surge that propels heroic acts or the parasympathetic glands that slows us down to comatose - depending on what is needed. If one sees himself controlled by outside forces, he/she becomes a victim of circumstances. Gives in. Settles. Surrenders. Resigns to “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it. I was born this way.”

Only we have more control over our lives than we may be willing to take responsibility for.

So why is change difficult? It goes back to the wonder-years when we were young and programmable: perceptions were immature, thoughts were creative and responses to events were childish. These early influences shaped our world-view both positive and negative. And they are hard to give up, even when we want to.

Compare it to losing weight. How does an obese body full of sugar-craving genes change into a lean health machine? It happens through changed perceptions about food and its function - from nurture to nutrition. It happens through revised thinking about health and the value of unclogged arteries. It happens through the body’s (genes) natural response to exerting more energy than consumption. Cells continually adjust. As the fat cells change, so does the body and so does the thinking and so does the emotions.

Perception and thinking come primarily from the brain. The brain wants to protect the body so it releases chemicals in response to the environment. As one changes how he responds to any given situation, the body’s chemical composition changes. The brain releases one chemical combination when a person becomes angry and another chemical combination when that sane person becomes calm.

Which chemicals do you want released in your body? Change your perception of the stressful event and the cells change.

Our fate is not totally in our genes. It has a lot to do with the day-to-day dynamics of how we respond to life. What we believe switches the genes mechanics “on” and “off”. As a man thinks in his heart so is he - or so he becomes. Physically as well as all the other “llys” - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially. Give it some thought.
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

When Reality Sets In

2010-06-14T16:11:00.000-05:00

While reading to my granddaughter she suddenly exclaimed, “Nana, you have something on your face.” She said it looked like pencil marks between my eyebrows.

After unsuccessful attempts to wipe it off, I looked in the mirror. It was not pencil marks. It was wrinkles. Deep ones.

Long ago I came to peaceful terms with the reality of death. I know that each of us has been allotted only so many days on this earth, I guess I just never expected to look like I was aging.
Since the announcement of those first wrinkles, others have joined the ranks. I’m okay with that and gracefully settle into being a senior adult.

The way one perceives life becomes his reality – only it may not actually be real. The reality is that all of us alive at this moment are aging and have benchmarks to verify it. That does not discount one’s viability as a human being with infinite worth and value.

A current mantra is “Fifty is the new thirty.” Does that mean that thirty is the new ten?

On the front of a birthday card was the question: “What is the difference in a 40-year-old and a 4- year-old?” Answer: “The 4-year-old wants to grow up.” Is this inferring that a 40-plus often remains childish by adopting the immature foot-stomping stance of Peter Pan?

Is our society so obsessed with youth, that, in spite of advancing years, the population convinces itself that aging is bad? Wisdom does not necessarily come with advancing years. Humility is acceptance of one’s humanness including positives and negatives, strengths and limitations, abilities and diminishing facilities. I suggest humility and wisdom are akin.

Wisdom comes when we release childhood misconceptions for adult realities. Life does not stand still. We are growing or dying, enlarging or shrinking, maturing or reverting to juvenile behavior. To resist changing makes growth difficult, if not impossible.

How freeing to embrace another tomorrow with anticipation of acquired wisdom. Live life so the spirit stays young. Take care of the package and embrace the reality of aging.

On CBS’s Sunday Morning (11-29-09), Anthony Mason talked with rocker Tom Petty about his many accomplishments, life and the future. Mason mentioned Petty’s apparent ease with the encroachment of the Big Six-O (60) birthday.

Tom Petty accepts the reality of aging with his philosophy of: “If you’re not getting older, you’re dead.”

Good insight. Let us live while we are alive, wrinkles and all.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Pictures of You

2010-06-11T16:48:00.003-05:00

Nothing shapes relationships and success like the picture you have of yourself. The trouble is we often assume our identity based on hearsay, and therefore, give too much weight to what others say. Although you are a product of your environment you can choose to not be victimized by it. When you feel valued for being yourself, a healthy body image comes naturally.

Allow the following questions to aid in your search for self-discovery.

What identity have you assumed without giving thought to? Even positive labels can be difficult as it sets up always trying to meet someone else’s standard of you. (You will never amount to anything? You are the smart one.)

How have you been victimized by your environment? (Men are the boss. A woman is supposed to make everyone happy. Kids are to be seen and not heard.) Your turn.

Learn to love you. Get to know the wonderful being you are. Listen to your own heartbeat and be willing to follow your dreams. Make friends with your conscience and heed its guidance. Experiment with your talents and creativity. Fine tune your unique personality and sense of humor. What innate gifts and talents have you been ignoring?

Process of elimination. Figure out who you are by figuring out who you are not. When you know who you do not want to be or what you do not want to do, you are ready to chart your own course. Focus on who you want to become and it is easier to relinquish the thought habits that are keeping you bound. List at least three things that you are not. (I am not a push over. I do not use fowl language. I am not a play thing to be used.)

Send fear packing. When fear of becoming who you are knocks on your door, allow faith to answer. Instead of inviting him in, put your hand up as if to block entrance while firmly saying “Stop” aloud. Embrace the seed of hope that plants. Determine five things you will say “stop” to.

Live in integrity and within your unique calling, personality and style. Be the best you possible, not a makeover of someone else, not the embodiment of another’s ideal of you, but the you that you were created and gifted to become. Grooming has its place, but you are more than your hair, or your grades, or your job, or whatever limited label you have ascribed to you. What have you labeled yourself as that you are more than? (I am more than my education… my family… my associates… my past…)

Decrease harmful materialism. Do not use stuff as proof of your self-worth. Putting material things in their proper place increases personal satisfaction, contentment, creativity and community. It also improved psychological health. What have you been using to prove your self-worth? (Wardrobe? Car? Home? Job? Education? Athletic kids? Mate’s success?)

Foster a healthy selfishness. It is okay to take care of you. What you want matters. Follow the airlines suggestion and “put on your oxygen mask first” before helping another. As you take care of you, it becomes easier to be selfless. How are you neglecting you? (I go to work even when I am sick. I put my others wants/needs above mine. I do whatever my mate wants and never voice my opinion. I agree with others even when I do not agree.)

Discover the foundation of happiness. It is more internal qualities than external beauty. Happy people are less self-centered and more loving, helpful, forgiving, trusting social, involved, decisive and energetic. What internal foundation of happiness have you been ignoring? (I enjoy gardening. I like to read.) What foundation of happiness have you been fostering and feeling guilty over because it does not meet another’s standard? (I choose to be a stay-at-home parent. I choose to drive an older vehicle to remain debt free.)

People overcome negative influences every day and you can too. You are a product of your environment, but can choose to not be victimized by it. Enjoy the exciting adventure of discovery – a journey that never ends. Give three specifics ways in which you will overcome.
(I will speak up even when I feel intimidated. I will not say “Yes” when it is not in my best interest.)

Loyalty Above All, Except Honor

2010-06-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

Honor is as real to the human condition as love. Honor is formulated by one’s experiences, dignity and character; it is the totality of an individual’s trustworthiness and based on his social status, attitudes and actions. In teaching classes on character qualities such as integrity and honor, I am sometimes asked, “Are you telling me that you never do anything wrong, not even speed.”

My answer: “I do not intentionally speed.” I am not saying that I never do anything wrong; I am saying that I listen to my conscience and I do not “practice sin”. When my conscience is pricked, I take careful measures to heed the warning, evaluate and make corrections. My deepest desire is to be more than I am; to be true to my innate gifting.

Insight leads to change. Whether one believes it or not, we have enough light for the step we are on.

Which moral value is the most important? What does self-respect mean?
Honor: mark of distinction, respect, admiration, credit, reputation, tribute, principle, nobility, pride, mark of distinction, award, prize (Antonym: shame, disgrace)

“I was the perfect con man. No one could do it better than me. Others would marvel at the way I could talk my way out of any tight spot or talk someone else into doing whatever I wanted. Then one day I was sitting all alone on my cot looking through the bars on my window and a question hit me: If I was all that great and masterful, why had nine out of my last eleven years been spent in a cell?” The Con Game, Serenity Support Services, Inc. (used without permission)

Honor is a principle – not a rule – and is open to interpretation. Dr. Samuel Johnson suggests that honor has several senses with the most important ones being “nobility of soul, magnanimity and a scorn of meanness.” Dictionary of the English Language

Formula for change: Decision + Discipline + Divinity = Destiny

Make a decision - basic; think through, ponder, come to a conclusion
Develop discipline - determine steps and summons the courage to take them
Divinity - God’s help is imperative. It is not magic but it is a mystery

Develop an “edit function”. Those without an edit function are into people pleasing or doing the “in” thing, without regard to moral values and often to their own harm. It does not take honor to self-protect or to go along with the crowd. It takes honor to do what scares you. The self-protection of loyalty in the face of honor deceptively cushions one for his personal stupidity. A powerful enforcing tool in conformity is shunning.

We live in community and look around us to determine what is normal. Perception is based on two realities: 1) general observation of others and 2) specific personal experience. When they match, we assume it to be truth. When there is dissonance, we are in the position to embrace and to change.

Every choice has it own set of new circumstances. The devil you don’t know is better than the devil you know? Getting rid of one devil one may bring honor, but it also may bring negative ramifications. There are devils everywhere. As you get honest with you, you find that roaring monsters live in the dark and light exposes them to be the squeaking mice they really are.

Developing Critical Thinking

2010-05-21T15:56:00.001-05:00

Critical thinking is a skill that seems to be in short supply in today’s world. To think critically is not to be negative or unfavorable. It is to approach thinking in an analytical manner, considering all points and delving into possible unknowns. Critical thinking is characterized by thoughtful skepticism of statements, arguments or dogmas.

Be skeptical. Be a little leery of what you hear and read. Have an open mind that knowledge may need to be added or subtracted. Do not be gullible and do not be overly critical.

Define words. The English language is complicated in that some words have a multitude of meanings. Also words change with use over time. Make sure you understand the definition of terms and how they apply. Do not assume.

Check and double-check your pre-conceived ideas. Are you blocking this information because it counters what you have “always believed”. Are you embracing the argument because it is what you have “always thought”. Overcome “feelings” and go with thinking and reasoning. Is what is being presented fact or assumption? Are you responding with truth or with “folk lore” or unproven statements?

Examine and re-examine the “evidence”. With new scientific discoveries things that once were supposedly proven have now been declared false. Epigenetics is confirming that there is not one gene that controls anything, thus the long-held belief of alcoholism being genetic is being disproved.

Look for other ways of interpretation. Is it always a cause and effect statement? Is it a part of the elephant, but not the whole elephant. Is it too broad or too limited in scope?

Do not over complicate or over simplify. Is “Yes” or “No” too cut and dried? Is it a truism but not an absolute? Is it an opinion or fact?

Do not over generalize. Do hotcakes really sell fast? Where is the research and evidence? Has a “common sense statement” been made it into a dogma?

Apply critical thinking to all areas of life. What qualifies the person to be an “expert”? Do not readily buy into “studies have shown that…” Be a little leery in assessing facts and figures, knowing they can be slanted to “prove” most any point of view.

Be gracious with the critical thinkers around you. When do you want to know that the boat won’t float? When it is on the shore or in the middle of the ocean? Perhaps they see something vital you are not yet aware of. Be willing to probe their observation, knowing that the final decision is ultimately yours.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Overcoming Skills

2010-05-18T10:48:00.001-05:00

Do you have a bad case of the “overs”? You know, "over-scheduled", "over-committed", "over-spending", "over-reacting"… and in the process become “over-bearing”? Not to worry. You can tap into and maximize your individual talent through personal empowerment. Here are some thoughts for overcoming.

It’s all about choices. Make them. Use them. Limit them. Too many choices are stressful, causing you to second-guess yourself. Choose to be who you are. It is okay to like what you like.

Be harsh on behavior, gentle on the person - whether this is directed toward you, your mate, your child, your parent, your co-worker or whomever. Realize each person has infinite worth and value as a human being that has chosen attitudes or behaviors that are not acceptable. Address behavior, never personhood.

Realize that everything has trade-offs. Get real. Get honest. Is what you are pursuing worth what you are giving up? If not, what can you choose to do about it? Get things in proper perspective and determine priorities. Continually assess what is most important in your life. Challenge the lies you have bought into and are trying to live up to (or down to).

“Of course you don’t love your life, look at everything you are trying to do.” - quote

This too shall pass - the good things and the not-so-good things. So don’t get stuck. Children grow up, parents die, school ends, and jobs change. Embrace the moment, love it, learn from it and graciously move on.

Determine what is neutral. Truth is neutral, whether agreed with it or not. Signal lights are neutral, whether running late or not. Time is neutral, whether managed or not. Money is neutral, whether spent wisely or not. Information is neutral, whether embraced or argued against.

Examine the ironies of life. Are fast foods really fast? Or do they add to fat as well as fatigue? Do labor saving devices really save labor? Or do they clutter cabinets and add to overload.

Quiet time is essential. Energy is everywhere and is cultivated by times of quiet and honest reflection. Slow down. Hurry less and relax more. Don’t make everything a crisis.

“Hurry, but don’t rush.” Coach John Wooden

Give up perfection. There is no such animal! Consider the reality that if something is perfect, then there is no room for growth and the next step is deterioration. Go for excellence. Do the best you can with the goal of continual improvement.

Develop a support base. It is okay to need help. Ask for it, receive it, and appreciate it. Hire help if possible. Barter with friends on projects, cooking, shopping, chores, child care, lawn or mechanic work, etc. Divvy up responsibilities among co-workers and family members.

Have fun! Develop a sense of humor. Enjoy parenting, school, work and home. Love LIFE!

Don’t cope, overcome. Coping is too stressful; overcoming is empowering. I have developed a dramatic series of life-changing solution principles that address the universal need of people. I would love to share them with you. Please let me hear from you.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Synthesized Happiness

2010-05-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

Thoughts are powerful. Philosophers throughout the centuries, including Jesus, have said in essence that “Whatever you think, you become.” In a more scientific vein, Dan Gilbert, Harvard psychologist, says we ‘synthesize’ our happiness.

Synthetics seem real and function well but are actually manmade faux materials. The mind cannot tell the difference between what is imagined and what is real. Is it the acquisition of possessions, money or adventures that makes you happy, or is it the anticipation of meaning that these things will bring? Case in point: how many times have you gained an illusive ideal, only to be reduced to the Peggy Lee song reframe of “Is that all there is?” After a short time, the event or object has no impact on your happiness.

Happiness is not found in objects. Bob - not his real name – in search of happiness and acceptance bought the latest model gigantic pick-up truck. Sure enough it brought him smiles galore as he was big man on campus. For about ten days. After everyone had admired, envied and taken a ride in his new toy, it became old news. The delight and fame was gone and so was his happiness. Reality set in of the burden of a monthly payment way over his income. A wiser Bob traded for a smaller vehicle and attached new meaning to life and possessions.

Attach on-going reality to the synthetic idea. Happiness associated with the original pursuit will be sustained as you allow accrued value. The new car retains its worth when kept up to give years of service. The home repaired and maintained increases as an asset. The marriage partner multiplies in significance through shared history and as nuances of his/her personality are appreciated.

You have it when you believe it. All things are created twice; first in the mind and then in reality. Being stuck with “synthetic happiness” is actually the key to finding authentic happiness. When there is no turning back, your mind is freed to find a way to be happy with your reality. You make the marriage work. You appreciate the parent or child. You become creative in stretching resources. You are thankful for the job you do have. You are given the gift to “Love what is”.

You are in charge of your own happiness. People contribute to but do not cause your happiness. Trying to parlay it to others is futile. They can contribute to your enjoyment of life, but you alone can make yourself happy. It is done through finding inner joy even in the midst of difficulties. Happy is better than unhappy. And the choice is yours. Always. In every situation.

“Synthetic happiness” is based on getting what you think you want. Authentic happiness is wanting what you get, whether it was your original ideal or not. With this thoughtful concept, make 2010 your happiest year yet.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Thriving on Bare Bones

2010-04-18T11:23:00.000-05:00

AARP ran an excellent article entitled 15 Tips to Save Hundreds. Some of the replies ragged the author as not being creative; saying the tips were common sense things they have been doing for years. These tips may not be new but possibly a reframing.

Limits can be empowering. Remember the old adage, “Necessity is the mother of invention.” Allow scarcity to stimulate ingenuity and embrace challenges. Make it fun. As newlyweds on bare bones I gave myself the challenge to see how many different and creative meals I could make from ground meat.

Transcend sacrifice. Maybe life is fairer than we want to acknowledge. To thrive is to refuse to dwell on what is not a reality. This frees your creativity to non-grudgingly adopt the Shaker philosophy of “use it up, wear it out, make it do, do without”. Adjust your spirit to your forced lifestyle. When scarcity is embraced as meaningful, it transforms the current situation into having an important effect.

Remember the Holocaust. It did happen. It is a sad reality of history. Read stories of survivors and how they ate rotting potatoes, managed on discards from trash, and cooked “rock” soup. Allow it not only to inspire you but also to kick up your gratitude meter for your current situation, meager though it may be.

One plant, many potatoes. Gardening experts report that the return on dollars invested in seeds is upwards of 1 to 10. Try your hand at growing veggies in a small plot of earth, in bags of potting soil split open or in pots on the windowsill. It’s therapeutic.

If the old one still works, appreciate it. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. It is a mystery why empty houses deteriorate faster than unimproved lived-in homes. Perhaps it is the spirit of the inhabitants that has an uncanny effect on inanimate objects. I suggest that thankfulness toward the clunker would inspire you to treat it with tender loving care and thus extend its fragile life.

Adopt the homeless mentality. Prolonged life on the street lends itself to the mindset of “How little can I live on.” Even to the sever point of refusing charity. I am not suggesting that one snub the kind generosity of family and friends. Discover what really matters and see how little one needs to be content. The best things in life are free; open up and enjoy.

Surviving in difficult times is possible, although stressful. Thriving in those difficult times is a decision of the heart. When struggles are seen as meaningful the situation is transformed.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Letting Go of Stress

2010-04-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

Just let go of stress! Yeah, right!

We think in picture. Visualizing an image makes the transfer from a thought to a reality somewhat easier. It is like having a light bulb go off in the brain. Picture a trapeze artist swinging from pole to pole, readying to make one precarious mid-space maneuver. He/she must release one reality (the pole), make a swift unsupported 360 degree turn and grasp a solid handhold (the other pole). With training, the tactic is handled with grace and facility.

Determine what is neutral. No matter how much you may protest, the signal light did not turn red just to ruin your day. The signal light is a neutral devise set on a timer, blinking green, yellow, red - over and over, day-in, day-out, regardless if the driver is harried or relaxed. How might you be more relaxed if you choose to view inconveniences as simply that and not as a personal affront. How might your relationships improve if you choose to see all encounters as neutral – a mere request for information, a simple comment on your performance, or an appeal for your help?

Practice makes permanent. Practice makes perfect only if you are practicing correctly. Choose to mentally rehearse phrases that put you in effective control. Phrases such as “This too shall pass”, “I will take the high road”, or “I will not be ruled by my emotions.” Make visual notes to self that will keep your new-found tension releases at the forefront of your mind. Think: we are always practicing; do you want your responses to be perfunctory or perfecting?

Practice marks improvement. There is a learning curve to every worthwhile endeavor. Imagine a stressful situation occurring again, only this time you are more prepared: You are early instead of late; relaxed instead of rushed; rested instead of cranky. You have given mental thought to strategy and worked through possible problems to find solutions. You are pro-active rather than reactive.

See the big picture. Erica Black’s mother was diagnosed with cancer and given a short time to live. Erica came to terms with everyday life and what is really important. She looked at all the things she should be doing and willingly put them on the back burner. She said, “We’re going to be with Mom. It’s just knowing what needs to be done at that moment instead of stressing out about being here or there.” Keeping Balance, Wacoan Dec. 09, www.wacoan.com

Pressure vs. anxiety. Know the difference. Although there are demands on one’s time, the truth remains that if you do not set your schedule, then someone else will set it for you. In accepting life’s responsibilities, do not turn duty into drudgery. Have a willingness to do whatever you agree to do, even if it was thrust upon you. Make it your choice and set yourself up to receive creative ideas.

Make it fun. Remember learning to ride a bicycle? You would fall, skin your knee and get back on again. It was the challenge that kept you going and you found it fun in the process. Accept the dare to see something humorous and self-improving in every stressful situation. Philosopher Brian Johnson encourages us to “eat stress like an Energy Bar”.

My friend, Linda Austin, proclaims “I don’t do stress.” Unfortunately, I am not there yet, but getting closer every day. Join me in letting go of stress.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Tired of Being Tired

2010-03-30T10:48:00.002-05:00

Chronic fatigue seems to be a national malady and in many cases, doctors find no pathology. Although exhaustion is a legitimate physical ailment, there are many underlying causal factors and accessible helps. Here are some suggestions.

Get moving. Exercise release energizing “feel good” chemicals called endorphins. The movement does not have to be drastic. A simple 15-minute-walk three of four times a week can do wonders. Get off the couch and do a dreaded chore; it can invigorate you to accomplish more.

Meditate. Rest is repairing to the body, soul and body. Periodically sit quietly and picture the stress falling off. Breathe deeply and mentally see the tense muscles uncoil and feel your backpacked burdens slide off. Sink into the chair with your entire weight rather than reserving alertness for the next crises.

Eat Right. Start the day with a breakfast of whole grain, protein and fruit. As good as a doughnut might taste, it contributes to fatigue. Continue through the day with a wholesome lunch, dinner and healthy snacks. Do not skip meals. Just as a car needs a continual supply of high-octane, un-watered down gas, so too does your body need nourishing food as fuel.

Evaluate Your Load. What do you need to jettison from your too full schedule and what needs to be added to energize you. Then do it.

Put yourself to bed. Research indicates that the adult body functions best with seven to ten hours of sleep per night. Prepare for sleep by turning off stimulators at least a half hour before bedtime. Allow your mind to unwind, disengage and embrace the need for refreshing sleep.

Settle Issues. Regret, unforgiveness and resentment are energy sapping. You have to own your emotions before you can move past the event. Honestly acknowledge the pain, humbly accept it and deliberately face the past with faith that you can heal.

Think positively. Your thought life has tremendous effect on your physical being and relationships. Negative thoughts of defeat, fear, anger, hate, resentment and hopelessness release stress hormones into the body resulting in tiredness, anxiety and irritability. By contrast, possibility thoughts of overcoming, love, thankfulness, appreciation, contentment and acceptance releases “feel good endorphins” resulting in energy, satisfaction and calm.

Life is too meaningful to sit on the sidelines. Use these thoughts to discover your energy leaks and take definite steps to plug them.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Productive Waiting

2010-03-23T10:52:00.002-05:00

In past articles we have looked at the importance of goal setting and working to bring them to fruition. I stand by that as a necessary element to get ahead. I also suggest the balance of waiting. Here’s what I mean…

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Live in the now and enjoy today. Always waiting for the tomorrow that has no promise of being, shows a discontent with the present. Ironically, when longed for riches do eventually come, most yearn for a simpler time. It is the struggles that make us strong.

Consider the seed. My then four year old grandson was drawing and said to me, “Come here, Nana, I want to teach you something.” He had illustrated a plant’s growth starting with a seed, to growing underground, to pushing through the earth, to fragile leaves, to a full bloom flower. His insight was, “Even though you can’t see anything happening, it is still growing.”

Plan for relative wait time. They happen every day: checkout line at supermarket, bank deposit, traffic snarl, someone to get back with you. Use it productively.

Refuse to engage in irrelevant wait time. Do not waste today through nonproductive mental activities such as pining for a better job, wanting the children to grow up, or longing for reduced responsibilities. Do not mindlessly wait for a future event or some solution to magically happen or fantasize about success, fame and fortune.

Life is a constant. It is today. You can improve your circumstances but not necessarily life. Be careful how you build thereon.

Life is conflicting. An individual can be content and still suffer lack. One can have outer wealth and inner poverty. I call it a "restless contentment".

Expectant waiting. Be fully engaged in today and alert to the divine. Be at east with uncertainty. Do not be restless with today. “Beauty arises in the stillness of your presence.”

Out of the mouth of babes. A few years back we vacationed in the hills of Missouri and my grandchildren and I re-enacted Little House in the Big Woods. For hours we foraged for materials - rocks, limbs and random treasures - to building our house. It rained the next two days and then they had to go home. We never got to play in our project. Katie said, “That’s okay, Nana, the most fun is in the building anyway.”

The consciously looking forward to, the energetic creativity, the joy of accomplishment, the fun of teamwork - this is what makes the now so special. Revel in it.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

To the Secret Place

2010-02-24T12:25:00.001-06:00

“When mind and soul agree, belief is born.” Abraham Heschel

God is not far from any of us. Everyone has an inner chamber into which he can retreat at will. It is a sanctuary free from the multitude of daily cares, free from human judgment, free from agitation, change and turmoil. It is a place where your senses rest, where you are regenerated and re-created. The longer one stays in the secret place, the better equipped to handle the public life of the ordinary.

Embrace the mystery of suffering. Compassion testifies to the presence of Christ within us. Develop compassion, not to master the suffering, but to enter into it. Through embracing the pain in true compassion, we are put in a position for our actions to correspond according to God’s love.

Repair love for people. In the secret place the love cycle is completed. One becomes aware that worth and value are gifts from God. Allow yourself to be nurtured by the mother heart of God to rediscover the power of love – from God to us, through us, back to God and spilling over to others. As gratefulness is directed toward God the human heart is filled with the ability to love generously – the loveable and the not so lovely.

Relive tension between “now” and “not yet”. Faith is looking forward to something that has not happened yet. Time spent in the secret place results in your being more collected, able to accomplish more, thinking deepens and you are able to be present – really present - wherever you are.

Rest without empirical evidence. Troubling questions such as “Why child abuse?” are quieted. God gave mankind the awesome gift of free will and he will not violate that gift, even when the exercise of it brings harm to the individual and others. God’s goodness made laws that He does not violate. God so believes in laws that he governs Himself. In the secret place these issues are understood and courage to be a change agent is garnered. The heart is called to intercession.

Our bodies store information for us. In quiet meditation the mind will reveal these secrets bringing healing and wisdom. We are born with a will to meaning. When the self is soothed, one can then become self-less. Once a need is met, it ceases to be a main focus and life runs smoothly. You find this in the secret place.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

How to Complain Effectively

2010-02-18T10:17:00.001-06:00

In working with business I often mention the need to train employees in how to complain. I am met with protest: “No thanks. They complain enough as it is.” There is a difference in gripping and making a legitimate complaint. One exacerbates the problem, while the other finds solution.

Choose your battles. And don’t make everything a battle. It is to one’s credit to overlook small infractions, for “love covers a multitude of sins.”

Complain to the right person. Go through the proper channels. Ideally, the right person would be the one against whom you have the offense. The right person is one who can be a part of the solution.

Speak only from your point of view. Use “I” statements rather than generalities or blaming.

Check your attitude. Is the complaint legitimate or because of your bad mood?

Be specific and accurate. No generalities and exaggerations. No “You always” or “You never”. Take notes so you can speak with authority.

Be brief. Get to the point and do not beat around the bush.

Know your aim. What is the purpose of the complaint? What changes are you wanting? Are they reasonable? Are they doable? How much are you a part of the problem?

Be a problem solver. Is it fixable? If so, how so? What is your part? What is their part?

Leave emotions behind. Work through your frustrations before making the complaint. Be calm and cool. Take yourself out of the middle.

Be a good-finder. Find something favorable about the person or situation. How can it produce growth? How can the situation build character?

Put it in writing. It will help to clarify your thoughts to see how legitimate the complaint is, or how to arrange your words to be most effective. If you are not willing to put it in writing, then it is a gripe and not a true complaint.

Leave the final decision/action to a higher authority. Once the complaint has been lodged, the problem it is out of your hands. You can ask for change without demanding change.

Know when to let it go. Like acid will destroy the container in which it is held, so bitterness over unresolved issues will destroy you. There are two types of circumstances in life: Those I can change and those I cannot change. Know the difference.

If there is no solution, why complain? It just makes you look small, petty, controlling and difficult. Allow the unpleasant situation to develop enduring character qualities in you.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Speaking Up

2010-02-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
Oliver Herford

The dictionary defines civility as the display of politeness and good manners, and is often interpreted as not hurting another’s feelings. Yet sometimes the most civil thing we can do is to hurt another’s feelings. The key is intention. Allow it to be a hurt that heals, not a hurt to wound.

Each adult make decisions for his own life. Each individual has the right to make her own choices, even bad ones. In our society there seems to be an invisible elephant in the room of “live and let live”. However, for the good of the whole, there are times when one may feel compelled to speak up. Whether or not the relationship remains in tack depends largely on the manner in which input is given. Speak gently and continue positive regard to the offender.

Speak up and then back off. Your point has been heard and will not be forgotten, even if not acted upon. No matter how delicately you voice your stance, it will be seen as judgment; and in reality, it is. You are judging your way to be right against your judgment of how she is handling her life.

Continue to speak only when invited to do so. Never argue. To repeatedly bring up the issue is to cross the line from giving input to forcing another to adhere to your dictates. You are within your human right to take a stand, but not to force the issue. Pressing your stance on another forces him to rationalize his behavior and doggedly hold on as proof that his choices are honorable.

Stand firmly, yet lovingly. Show compassion toward the offender without compromising your principles. Stand for rightness without being self-righteous. If necessary, refuse to participate in an activity, decline an invitation to an event or disassociate with rebel rousers; all the while holding the individual in high regard. It shows in your attitude.

Choose to not be offended by her harsh denouncements and do not justify your position. Without words being spoken, concern and judgment are shown in facial expressions – one is soft and the other is harsh.

Allow the individual to change. When one does not have to rigorously defend his stance he becomes more open to another view. Each of us believes what we believe until we believe something else. When the offender’s attitude softens, let it. Do not pounce with critical statements. An individual will never change until it becomes his decision.

Depending on the severity of the situation, there may be times for outside intervention. Being a peacemaker is not peace-at-all-costs. Sometimes peacemaking is stirring the waters for things to come to the surface to be skimmed off and settled. In dangerous situations, outside agents need to be involved; they are trained to be helpful and objective.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Health Issues: Factual and Actual

2010-02-02T14:35:00.002-06:00

In a recent Upper Room devotional, the following plea was included: “God show me what to do to help You help me.”

I like that.

The problem in my life is not so much a lack of knowledge, as much as it is a lack of application. It is not not knowing, but not doing.

Dr. Mark DeHaven, founder of the GoodNEWS wellness program, compiled the following information.

Factual Causes of Death
Heart Disease
Cancer
Stroke
Lung Disease
Accidents
Diabetes
Pneumonia/Flu

Actual Causes of Death
Tobacco
Alcohol
Diet/Activity Patterns
Microbial Agents
Toxic Agents
Motor Vehicles
Firearms
Sexual Behavior
Illicit Use of Drugs

The “Factual” cause of death is what is listed on the death certificate, whereas the “Actual” cause of death is lifestyle factors. Five of the nine actual causes are directly within our control. Here are some things I am doing to motivate me to be disciplined in the area of physical wellness.

Just do it. It’s Nike time! Exercise in the AM and I don’t dread it the rest of the day.

Some is better than none. A short walk is better than no walk. Stretching helps. A few bites can stave off the binge. Small portions are filling when eaten slowly.

Keep moving. I recently observed a teen maneuver his skate board up an incline merely by twisting his hips. This small action propelled him forward. I wondered if a little shake would stimulate my sluggish metabolism. So now I twist while brushing my teeth. And on other non-observable occasions.

It is not “to die for”. Since adopting this mantra it is becoming easier to say “No” to tempting treats, second helpings, chips and late night snacks.

Practice makes permanent. Practice makes perfect only when we are practicing correctly. Brushing my teeth is a habit. Just as a fuzzy mouth motivates me to use my toothbrush, I have heard, and look forward to, the day when lethargy will spur me into action.

Habits are changed through insight and commitment. How about we do it together.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

A New Normal

2010-01-28T18:18:00.002-06:00

Life has a way of not following goals and dreams fall down in midflight. Sometimes things happen from which we never recover. Our normal is disrupted. What then? Here are some thoughts on accepting things are they are, adjusting and continuing the journey.

Let yesterday be yesterday. No matter how great yesterday was, or how many possessions you owned, or how great your success, it is over and done with. Trying to relieve what has already been robs you of discovering joy in the midst of today’s struggles. And there are thrills and growth to be found amid adversity.

Acquire an insightful perspective on physical disabilities. All of these topics cover a wide spectrum; Physical disabilities could involve birth defects, wrecks/accidents, life-threatening disease, chronic pain, or the natural by-products of aging.

Emily Perl Kingsley, mother of a Downs Syndrome child, compares the anticipation and realities with traveling. Suppose you have made plans to go to Italy - with all the romance and history and adventure that entails – but your plane lands in Holland.

And there is no return.

No way to change plans.

You are stuck.

But Holland has a lot of wonderful things to offer – although at a slower pace than Italy and perhaps off the beaten track of what your peers pursue.

You always have a choice. Although the pain and disappointment may never go away, grieving and angering over life’s travel changes will keep you from seeing the beauty in the present situation and from embracing the character development that limitations offer.

Honestly revisit the good ole days. Barbara Streisand’s song The Way We Were has some poignant lines about selective memories. It suggests that we rewrite events to exclude the bad and only include the good. “What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget. So it’s the laughter we will remember.” No matter how much you idealize that part of life, it is over. It is time to discover a new normal.

Enumerate what you have left. You will never get over the loss or the pain, but you can move beyond it by focusing on what you still have – the loves, the joys, the abilities, the promises.

I am not talking about giving up nor am I discounting grief. I am encouraging a surrender to the inevitable that results in flow rather than struggle, creativity rather than stagnation, and healthy relationships rather than stunted existence.

Please share with me and our readers your new normal and some of the things you have learned in the process.
　
We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”
　

Stopping Stress

2010-01-21T18:11:00.000-06:00

Stress is the body’s response to pressure. Your body goes into overdrive with the “fight or flight” syndrome in an attempt to protect you. Less necessary systems shut down so the main focus is on overcoming the present danger. Temporarily, this is wonderful; long-term, it is destructive. The body stays revved up in an altered state of alert and minor inconveniences become a crises. Here are a few thoughts to bring a conclusion to menacing residue stress.

Develop a mantra. Use your self-talk in a positive manner. Repeat over and over a guiding phrase such as, “Not helpful” or “I choose to take the high road.” A synonym for mantra is song or hymn. Allow this soothing refrain to connect you with the divine so you can accept your humanity.

Reframe. In stress overloaded nerves are raw and the smallest slight can seem devastating. Choose to see the offending party as a person of worth and value in spite of their flawed character. When you feel threatened, look around to confirm that a big Mac truck is not barreling down on you.

Breathe. Shallow breathing incites panic. Deliberately take a few seconds to breathe deep. Imagine a deflated balloon in your diaphragm. Slowly inhale through your nose, taking the air down, down, down and in full force until the balloon is inflated. Hold it for a second to relish the oxygen, and then slowly release the air through pursed lips. Repeat two or three times. Feel the tension and overwrought emotions leaving your body and your brain reconnecting with rational thinking.

Reflect. “The last time I hastily engaged in non-productive, frenzied behavior, the outcome was less than honorable.” Think about how you would have liked to have handled the situation had you been in a calm state. Picture it. See yourself responding differently. Practice it in your mind and then accomplish it in reality.

Develop appreciation. Thank your body for doing what it is designed to do. Focus on the competent work your co-workers do accomplish. Watch for the positive things your family members do carry out. Be thankful that the car or appliance lasted and functioned admirably for as long as it did.

Bio-Feedback. Continually check in with the body’s pain alert system for levels of tension or relaxation. Tell yourself: “Rest eyes. Flex shoulders. Unclench jaws. Drop the back-pack. Breathe. Appreciate. Live. Love.”

Say “No” and feel good about it. Say “No” to accepting responsibilities beyond your resources. Say “No” to running amok. Say “No” to berating the offender, both verbally and mentally.

These principles not only work to stop distressing, they also are preventative measures to ward off attracting negative situations to you. Just as a healthy body wards off infection, so also an emotionally nourished individual fends off negative responses. The result is the ability to deal pro-actively with everyday predicaments while reserving your Herculean strength for real emergencies.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Erroneous Boundaries

2010-01-14T16:43:00.001-06:00

Boundaries are another of those life issues that we need just enough of. The irony is that too many or too few produces the same effect: an insecure individual.

"There is no potential in your past; only potential in your future." Ginger, CWJC

Picture it. An individual partially encased in a brick wall on three sides, holding it tenuously in front like a shield. The wall is held high enough so feet and legs are visible under the wall, but not high enough to protect the head. It gives the false impression of protection while leaving the individual vulnerable to self-destruction.

What’s wrong with this picture? One, with the wall not grounded on a foundation, vermin crawl in from the bottom. Under the skirt. Low-life. The untrained rebel invites in those who feign love, but do not really care. Naïve inclusion.

The second thing wrong is with the wall mistakenly being held too high, the individual’s vision is limited. Cannot see the big picture. Will not see the destruction or rescue ahead. With one’s “head-in-the-sand”, it keeps out those who really care. Hostile exclusion.

Although war may be declared on the world, is it really the battle within? The person who feels unworthy of love becomes over-responsible. Where there is acceptance and respect, love blossoms.

Dismantle the wall, do not destroy it. As much as we may live in an instant society, genuine growth takes time. To destroy the wall too quickly would leave one exposed, weak and vulnerable. Plus, you will need parts of it later in setting healthy boundaries; to build a prop, not a prison. Be encouraged, change does not have to take forever. Be open to receiving insight and help.

Forced boundaries are often a relief. As a teen our daughter was responsible and I willingly gave her permission to go with her friends. Only there were times she secretly wished I had said, “No”. Sometimes we need someone to be the heavy for us, someone to step in and keep us from crossing the line.

She and I developed a plan. When it was a group she wanted to go with, she would ask, “Mom, may I go?” Those times she sensed it best not to go, she would say, “Mom, so-and-so wants me to go….” I willingly became the “bad guy” and said “no” to help her avoid a negative situation.
It can be hard to stand up to peer-pressure at any age. Until you develop the muscle to say “No” when it is in your own best interest, engage a confident to bail you out. Allow a caring family member to get involved. Truth be told, they may have been helping you all along, you were just in a state of rebellion and saw it as nagging. Allow that really caring relationship to work for you. Help is seen as intrusive when unasked for, and as a God-send when the need is acknowledged.

Setting parameters – by yourself or with help - can actually increase the fullness of your life. Less really is more. Let go of the wall and embrace a shield.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Coming to Terms with Discrepancy

2010-01-03T12:16:00.002-06:00

We are complicated individuals filled with many contradictions. Anthony Robbins says we have a core need for certainty and uncertainty. And they operate both at the same time!

Our need for consistency wants everything to flow in the same predictable, secure, and comfortable routine. Even if that consistency is a rut.

Our need for variation craves risk, change, variety and challenges.

No wonder relationships are so complicated. It is difficult enough to come to terms with this yin/yang in us, let alone rectify it with spouse, parents, children, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
I believe it can be done. It takes work. And maturity.

Absolute truth vs. truisms. I believe there are some absolute truths. Absolute truth includes the law of gravity (within earth's atmosphere) and the rotation of the earth around the sun with a pattern of day/night and seasons. I suggest absolute principles include the Ten Commandments and that all human misery can be traced to the breaking of one or more of those directives.

Truisms are sayings that contain an element of truth that may be applied to a specific situation but not across the board. This would include “Look before you leap” book-ended by “He who hesitates is lost.” There is an element of reality in each. There are times immediate action is required without extended deliberation vs. times when analysis brings paralysis. The underlying truth in each is that decisions require the right amount of thought.

Happiness - external vs. internal. Although ultimate happiness is an internal-do-it-yourself-job, there are external contributors. Happiness includes relationship with people, primarily our family members. Dr. William Glasser says that human misery is the result of living under tyranny, abject poverty, debilitating sickness or the inability to get along well with those people that are important to us.

Others definitely contribute to our happiness but it is too much of a burden to place on anyone to make him/her responsible for our happiness. It is freeing to meld the truth that “I cannot make you happy” and “You cannot make me happy” with “I am happy to be with you” and “I am happy you are with me.”

Control – internal vs. external. Getting along well with people has a lot to do with locus of control. Namely, whose behavior can you control? Attempt to control another results in tension and unhappiness. The more we are in control of our own behavior - that includes thoughts we think and actions we take and emotions we exuded - the less controlling we will be of others.

Conversely, the less we are in control of our own thoughts, our actions and our emotions; the more one will attempt to control others. External control uses the “seven deadly habits of highly ineffective people” that are complaining, blaming, guilting, criticizing, nagging, threatening and punishing.

Relationship building - and happiness - comes through employing the “seven healthy habits of highly effective people” that are supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating. The foundation of these habits is forgiving.

Consistency is found through personal contemplation and discipline.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

New Year, New Goals

2009-12-31T14:54:00.001-06:00

The beginning of a new year lends itself to renewal, a starting-over-point. That may mean going in a completely different direction or modifying a current situation. Either way, it requires a decision. Once when I faced a choice between two options, I sensed an inner voice (I believe it was God) saying… “Go and you will be blessed; stay and you will be blessed.”

Conversely, the opposite of that is also true. Go and you will have problems; stay and you will have problems. That is not to be negative, just a realistic look at how life works. Here are some thoughts regarding enhancing the success of those important decisions and new goals.

Make a decision. There are lots of choices and not all of them can be pursued at once. Clarify your top priority; select and simplify.

Clarify the decision. See the end from the beginning by painting a picture of the intended results. Since everything is created in the mind before it becomes reality, write brief statements giving specific terms and in present tense voice. Use “I am” statements as opposed to “I am going to.” Write it down as if it is already a reality. This step gives you finality and energy; it lets you see how it looks and feels.

Get honest. Detail things that will help and things that will hinder the accomplishment of this goal. Be pro-active in seeing problems and seeking solutions. This includes personality characteristics, mechanical issues as well as the input of others. Example: your creative ideas and energy are a plus, whereas your lack of focus and procrastination slows progress. Think about alternate sources for supplies. Who may be for you and who may be against you and how will you address each?

Day-to-day. This is the nuts and bolts where you take the big picture and reduce it to stepping stones. What needs to be done today? Such as items purchased, calls made, actions taken. What nee4ds to be done tomorrow? What will I have achieved by the end of the month? Use several specific time frames – one month, two months, six months, one year. This is short-term planning that brings long-range accomplishment.

Continually evaluate. Celebrate advancements and negotiate needed adjustments. This is the living out of the “Get Honest” step. What actions need to be implemented, changed or halted? Who needs to be brought on board, consulted with or let go? What back-up resources are available? NASA reports that space voyages are frequently off course. What keeps them on target? Constant evaluation and adjustment; aligning where-we-are-now with where-we-are-going.

Goal setting and planning is an excellent way to break out of the mundane. Follow NASA’s example to discover your own new worlds.

Epiphany

2009-12-23T22:32:00.001-06:00

In the Christian faith, epiphany is a term used to mark the arrival of the Magi in their search for the Christ child. Epiphany has expanded to mean a sudden realization or deep understanding brought about through ordinary circumstances that made a profound change in an individual’s life. Here are three epiphanies in my life.

Beauty is more internal than external. I struggled with self-esteem issues for years. I had the mistaken idea that if only my weight was less and I was shorter than my 5’6” height and if my nose was a different shape then magically all my problems would be over. I erroneously reasoned that I would be little and cute and everybody would like me.

An individual came into my life that was overweight, tall and with less than perfect facial features. She was loving and kind and funny and people were drawn to her. It dawned on me that there may be reasons to dislike a person, but the package is not one of them. If people did not like me, it had to be something more than looks. And, if someone did not like me because of my weight or looks, who really owned the problem.

Peace came through recognition that I could not “add one cubit to my stature” (or take away) and calm reigned with thankfulness that my nose worked okay regardless of its size. Silence descended with the realization that weight management was in my power with the exercise of self-discipline. I began to work on things that were within my control, like letting go of the chip on my shoulder.

The result has been a humble acceptance of me with continued focus on character development. My healthy self-esteem has grown into a high regard for all humanity.

Vows are not to be taken lightly. I hate to admit this, but I went into marriage with an escape clause in the back of my mind. From divorce statistics, that seems to be the irrational reasoning of society today. Through contemplation of separation I became aware of the sacredness of vows I had made before God and man. The wedding covenant is necessary because we are not capable of loving a flawed individual, (at least not for a sustainable amount of time) therefore the need for public and spiritual accountability. Instead of looking for ways out, I began to pray for grace to stay. And God’s grace is sufficient. It has been forty-two years and these two flawed individuals are still together. I am glad that we each have made the work-through-it-commitment again and again. It is imperative to fall in love again and again with the same person.

It is relationship, not religion. From childhood I have been tender toward the things of God. Even though teenage rebellion drove me in other directions, the wooing of Holy Spirit never let up – sometimes to my defiant anger. I relented and tried again and again to be godly, always messing up. In a downtime, a knowing although non-audible still small voice spoke into my conscious: “Mona, stop trying so hard. Quit trying to make me Lord and Master. Just let me be your friend.”

I needed a friend. My response was a subdued nodding of my head and a faint whisper of “Okay.” Rockets did not zoom and bells did not go off, but there was a definite change in my life from that day forward. I allowed Jesus to be my friend. It is a friend relationship that continues to grow, allowing me to be accepting of myself and compassionately charitable with a universe filled with other flawed human beings.

None of these transformations were instant but each gave enough light to foster permanent growth. Another meaning of epiphany is “a manifestation of a divine being.” The Magi were searching for solutions in a promised ruler king and were humbled to encounter the author of authority revealed in a vulnerable baby.

The peace and life-changes I have encountered, and continue to chance upon, are brought about through my search for the Christ child – born, died and resurrected. The guiding star is still shining. Follow it and receive.

Happy Holy Days

2009-11-29T19:03:00.001-06:00

December is host to many multi-cultural celebrations including Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Pearl Harbor Remembrance, Winter Solstice and Boxing Day. Some are sacred and some are secular. Few months have more teachable moments of love, joy, peace and good will to all men.

December is renowned for shopping and baking and decorating and giving and partying and feasting and traveling and entertaining and stressing. Am I ready for Christmas? Yes, I am. Oh, there is still baking and decorating and other chores to do, but I suggest being ready is more an attitude than an activity.

It is the attitude of living within your means rather than over-spending. It is the attitude of caring for self and others without over-extension. It is the attitude of patience with the harried clerk at the store. It is giving a smile, and refusing to gripe and complain. It is the attitude of graciousness to stressed fellow travelers. It is the attitude of compassion for those with opposing beliefs. It is the attitude of thankfulness for our many freedoms, including worshiping as we choose. It is the attitude of appreciation for the men and women near and far that willingly put themselves in harms way for our protection as well as to bring liberty to the oppressed.

Even with all the hustle and bustle, I love the holidays. Although I like to give and to receive “Merry Christmas” greetings, I am not offended by being wished “Happy Holidays”. It is a quick way of encouraging another to remember that the long celebration season is filled with holy days.

In liturgical Christian churches, the holy days begin with Advent four weeks before December 25th and ends with the Epiphany, January 6th. This period is for reflection upon the true meaning of the season; a time to prepare our homes with lights and streamers and to entertain family and friends and to give gifts, and to ready our hearts to receive afresh a baby that has already been born, with twelve days afterwards to rejoice in the love gift given to mankind.

I believe in Christmas. I believe in the Christ of Christmas. Maybe as one makes every day “holy” during the extended holiday season, he will be better able to keep focus on peace on earth, good will to all men.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Reinforcing Boundaries

2009-11-22T17:11:00.003-06:00

In this economy of lay-offs and role reversals, boundaries often become clouded. A working wife recently mentioned the frustration of needing downtime after a hectic workday and her house-husband's failure to honor that request. Here are some thoughts for being true to yourself.

Need vs. need. Trouble ensues in any relationship when prevailing attitudes are “my need is more important than your need.” We are needy individuals and it is okay to have your needs met. And they can be, in ways that are good for you and the relationship.

The value of appreciation. Anything that appreciates goes up in value. An authentic appreciation of your mate’s role in what he does lends itself to understanding and a willingness to negotiate. Having an appreciation of your contribution to the family can give you the confidence to firmly, yet kindly, set your boundaries of what you do or do not need.

Be a polite nag. Sometimes a person has good intentions yet fails to follow through. If your boundaries are not honored, speak up with a gentle reminder. Change occurs easiest when it is the person’s idea. Say something like, “Have you forgotten that you have agreed to allow me decompression space when I get home?”

Provided his response is civil, it may be necessary that you speak up again and again until he “gets it”. And graciously accept a slip and an apology. As Alan Alda says, "Be fair with another and stay after him until he is fair with you."

Find an adequate alternative. On the way home, stop by your favorite coffee shop for quiet time. Don your headphones and jogging suit and go to the park.

Delay is not denial. Perhaps your need to be self-nurtured outweighs your need to interact. Perhaps his need for companionship outweighs his need to respect your space. What about a switch-a-roo? Come home to a loving embrace and share a few moments of casual conversation – being genuinely concerned about each other’s day - then slip away for solitude.

It is my consensus that the most mature one in the relationship will make the most concessions. But never do so at the expense of you. Stuffing your irritation and later exploding is unfair to both of you. Make relationship more important than rights. When sacrifice is for the betterment of all, it transcends, and is no longer a sacrifice.

Mona Dunkin is a Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer and Personal Success Coach. Read past articles at www.monadunkin.blogspot.com. Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.

RESILIENCY

2009-11-13T13:25:00.001-06:00

There has been a lot of press about studies from the Blue Zone; countries and townships where the inhabitants are healthy and live into the nineties and even one-hundreds. Contributing factors are diet, relationships, activity, spirituality and resiliency.

New Webster’s Dictionary defines resiliency as “Capable of resuming its shape or position after being subjected to stress. Capable of recovering rapidly, especially from an emotional shock. To spring back."

Life, lemons and lemonade. Sounds a lot like the adage, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Resiliency is the ability to take negatives and make positives, and in the process, to become a stronger individual. Resiliency is the belief that life - all life -has meaning, and finding the courage to see significance beyond the pain.

Being a resilient person may not seem natural to the human condition. But it is something you can teach yourself. It begins with a decision. Let’s look at becoming a resilient person by making an acrostic.

R – Relationships Realize that each person (you included) has infinite worth and value as a human being created in God’s image, regardless of labels or circumstances. See relationship as more important than opinion. Being moral and upright in all your affairs.

E – Emend Emend comes from a Latin word meaning, “to take the fault out”. It is to stop placing blame and look at reality. It is to give up the stress of controlling another by taking (or leaving) him as he is, instead of manipulating him to your ideal.

S – Spirituality Seeing you as a human being, subject to death, but also as an eternal spirit, destined to live forever. To surrender to a higher purpose that brings ultimate meaning to life. To recognize we are spiritual beings on a human journey.

I – Insight See beyond the surface to deeper meaning. Ask tough questions and give honest answers. Get brutally honest with you.

L – Larder Have a storehouse of new information and skills from which to draw. Being curious about the universe and open to learning. Be willing to evaluate, test and to stretch yourself.

I – Interdependence Realize we live in community and need each other. Learn to set healthy boundaries for self and respect wishes of others. Take initiative and exercise control of your own thoughts, actions and behaviors.

E – Embrace To hold in one’s arms. To see life as a precious gift and look forward to the dawning of each new day. See change as a means for growth.

N – Natural Know who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. Develop your innate gifts and talents.

C– Creativity See with different eyes. Learn to bring beauty out of chaos, meaning out of pain, and purpose from troubling experiences. Finding humor in the tragic.

Y – Yield To resist too stringently is to break. Be flexible. Know when to concede. Yield is also to bring forth fruit, to be productive, to give birth to.

Resiliency is the suitable combination of optimism and realism. You cannot control the events of life, but by choosing what you dwell on, you can control how you respond.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.”

Fall Renewal

2009-10-30T18:16:00.001-05:00

I love fall. Football games and frost in the air. Changing colors, festivals and cooler days. Even though it is preparation for winter, after a long hot summer, it is a great time for renewal. At the beginning of the year, goal setting is a big focus. As the year is winding down now is good time to review those commitments. It is not too late to make those dreams a reality. Here are some thought for the completion.

Continually re-evaluate. Maria Bartiromo is the voice of CNBC’s Closing Bell and a regular contributor to The Reader’s Digest. She says, “I constantly prioritize and reprioritize my daily schedule, which is broken into 10-minute intervals (emphasis mine). This exercise reminds me what’s important and what I still have left to do.”

Reprioritizes every ten minutes! That seems extreme to me. But then maybe I want to put a negative spin on those disciplines I am not willing to do. To make your 2009 goals a reality, first things must come first. Always.

Disturb the undisturbed. In January I mentioned my long-term strategy to de-clutter. I affixed markers that would indicate non-use, such as clothes hangers turned backward, safety pins attached to linens, post-it notes in files and duct tape reminders on select items. The goal was that if the marker was undisturbed after a set season, it indicated the item was no longer a viable space taker. I am boxing and pricing for an end-of-the month garage sale. What do you need to get rid of to free your energy field for productivity?

Be the best you possible. Within reason, go with you personal style. If your organization is piles of files, at least label and put in alphabetical ordered for easy retrieval. If you go for piles of piles, use decorative container as storage. Have a neat mess. A pleasant workspace pays great psychological dividends. When things are scattered it is messy; when in place it is neat and easily accessible that contributes to accomplishment.

Get emotionally honest. Are there things on your goals chart that you keep thinking about yet fail to do anything to bring it into fruition? And then you feel guilty about not doing it? There is true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is when you have harmed someone for your own selfish gain. False guilt is the failure to live up to expectations. Maybe it is time to determine what “I don’t intend to do” and remove the self-imposed drain.

Determine what you have done and feel good about it. In the fall of 2006 I lamented to my daughter of still unaccomplished yearly goals. She lovingly said, “But Mom, you really have done a lot.” And she was right. I had published my first book and was learning about Internet marketing. What a welcome relief that much had been completed and was acknowledged. With renewed vigor I embraced that winning feeling and preceded full steam ahead. Whether another notices or not, look at what all you really have done and embrace that feeling of accomplishment.

The holiday season is upon us: a time for family, friends and fun; a time to reflect on what is really important; a time to release old hurts and find humor in idiocy; a time of project completion and spiritual renewal. Enjoy.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.” Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net. 30

Handling a Slob

2009-10-22T18:13:00.000-05:00

At an Organization Seminars, a lady who had established a home business with her husband asked, “How do you live and work peaceably with a slob?” Although a Felix Unger and Oscar Madison combination is difficult, following are a few thoughts that may contribute to harmony.

State it, don’t stuff it. Rather than stuff your frustration, state your position in a positive manner and with a pleasant attitude. Use “I” statements. Focus on things that can be changed and do not stack attack. Have a resolve suggestion in mind before addressing.

Do not respond negatively to negativity. Relationship has a lot to do with maturity and a mark of maturity is emotional stability. See love as an action rather than an emotion. Responding pleasantly to another’s reaction lessens the impact of their actions on you.

Ask for change without demanding change. Demands engender defensiveness whereas asking lends to cooperation. Be specific. Do not beat around the bush and do not hint. Openly communicate. You cannot control another’s ambition nor lack thereof.

Assess the situation. Is the mess a character flaw or lack of resources? Is there a need for file cabinets, or storage bins? Could a closet be added? In tight quarters, utilize wall space for shelves over existing furniture. Has the time come to move to a larger space? Do you need to hire office assistance or cleaning help?

Eliminate, simplify or be neat. Some have a knack for organization and others do not. Rather than berate his/her weakness, offer non-threatening ideas. Stack it neatly. Box it up. Put it in drawers or behind cabinet doors. Throw or give it away or recycle. Offer to help in the tidiness project.

Everything needs a home. If it doesn’t have a home, it is clutter. A lady come to me out of frustrated with her husband and children because they threw things down and the home was constantly cluttered. After assessing the situation, we purchased baskets and organization items. We labeled the baskets and placed them in strategically. A large basket by the den door and a coat-hanger strip became home to sports equipment. Baskets on the kitchen counter became home for mail, coupons, pens/scissors, keys and pocket change. A basket was placed on the fireplace with each child’s name. As the room became cluttered with shoes, books, or toys, the wayward items were temporarily placed in the child’s box for him/her to return to its original home. Even though the husband had been a major contributor to the clutter, he told his wife, “I am so glad you did this. All that junk made me nervous.” Go figure.

What if they will not cooperate? First, assess your options. Is the mess unbearable or just not up to your standards? Is the disorderly situation new, or have you failed to set boundaries and now have had your fill? What is more important, neatness or the relationship? Is the clutter contributing to lost sales? Secondly, assess the locos of control. Being pleasant in a difficult situation is more about you than them. I love the Catholic prayer, “For the sake of Your passion, grant us grace.” Grace is giving undeserved leniency. As an aside, being a peacemaker sometimes involves making waves.

Relationships are difficult. Handle with love.

We welcome reprinting of articles in your newsletter or magazine, providing credit is given as follows: “This article was written by Mona Dunkin, Motivational Speaker and Personal Success Coach, www.monadunkin.blogspot.com or www.monadunkin.com.” Contact her at mdunkin@flash.net.